WWAPKD? (What Would Alex P. Keaton Do?)
One of the biggest questions this election cycle has been who the hell the genuine, old school, Goldwater conservatives are supposed to vote for. For a voting block that prides itself on its independent spirit, adherence to small government philosophies and America-first attitudes to ward foreign policies, they've got to feel shit out of luck this time around. (Well, the last several times around, really.) So, for whom will those people pull the lever this November?
To find the answer to that, we may need to look toward the ultimate conservative, Alex P. Keaton.
Writing in the New York Times, Gary David Goldberg — creator of Family Ties and self-described independent — fills us in on how the political winds would have pushed Alex these past several decades. Sha la la la…
Alex Keaton was a true conservative Republican. He was for limited government. He was strongly against government involvement in the personal lives of its citizens. He was competent and capable — the ultimate over-achiever. But, above all Alex Keaton was a firm believer in the power of ideas. He believed in the competitive marketplace of intellectual discourse, where the best ideas win — usually Alex's.And so it's difficult to recognize in this current incarnation of the Republican Party, a party whose legacy will include Terri Schiavo and Hurricane Katrina, a place where Alex Keaton might feel the least bit comfortable… it's hard to picture Alex in a party that seems to be waging war against science, and where their presidential candidates seem comfortable debating whether or not the earth is round.
But what about John McCain — Mr. Straight Talk Express? He's someone you can imagine Alex getting behind, isn't he?
I think his natural inclination would have been to go for John McCain. But, that would have been John McCain in 2000, when he was still talking straight: Jerry Falwell was an agent of intolerance, and waterboarding is torture. McCain going back on those two key points would have certainly kept Alex from pulling the lever for him now.
Oh yeah. I forgot about all that. But… but… Alex wouldn't vote for a… Democrat… would he?
He would be intrigued by Obama — impressed with his eloquence and intelligence. He would be unhappy with his plan to tax the wealthy at a higher rate, but keenly aware that eight years of neglect and corruption and no-bid contracts have to somehow be overturned. And, I think Obama's slogan is very similar to Alex's own personal mantra: "Of Course I Can." I think that Alex might just be ready to take a chance.
I, personally, am not convinced by Goldberg's hypothetical case concerning his fictional creation. I think Alex would have been all about Mitt Romney.
Now, you tell me why Boner from Growing Pains would vote for Obama, and maybe…
Until then, I'm still holding out hope that Gopher from the Love Boat will throw his hat into the ring.
RSS
The real "dream ticket" has been announced: Clinton-Huckabee… http://WWW.CLINTON-HUCKABEE.COM
I certainly can't argue with Goldberg, but my memory of Alex was that he was cartoonishly shallow in his obsession with the almighty dollar. I can't imagine he'd be too upset with Bush's pro-business policies, and might even start a movement to nominate Laura to run against Hillary. (Although there would likely also be a "very special" episode at some point in which the combat death of a friend in Iraq forces pro-Bush Alex to briefly grapple with his conscience.)
No, No, No, at this point, Alex P. Keaton would be the Nominee of the Republican Party having marginalized all the other candidates months ago.
Either that, or finishing his second term as President of the United States or Disney.
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I think its very important to remember that if you see something in print, like on the internet or on the television, then it must be true, probably, even if it is clearly labeled as a joke or the State of the Union Address.
For example, I saw this piece below on the internet this morning and I believe it. Now, I know that it is untrue, because I wrote it myself last night. If you read the whole thing, it even says so right there in the post!
But if it is on the internet, or TV, or radio its just gotta be true, so I know I can trust it for sure, cause I want to, or I need to, or by gosh, just because I'd like to.
Here's what I mean.
I noticed that there were not enough jokes about the candidates out there and Obama is too hard to write jokes about yet so I started with Hillary and Bill, but I wanted to get some new stuff out there. So I wrote this post:
Rumors of the Top 10 Deepest Secrets of the Hillary Clinton Campaign
As Barrack "Happy" Obama's delegate lead increases over that of Senator Hillary "Rudeham" Clinton it is just possible that the less than tight-lipped Clinton campaign staff may again be slipping with more dirt on the Clinton campaign.
We can't say that these 10 deepest darkest secrets of the Clinton Campaign are true because our comedy staff made them up just now, I mean just now. But wouldn't it be funny if they were true. They certainly sound like they could be true.
As you read them, feel free to wonder if they might be true. It is your constitutional right. We have no way of knowing whether they are true or not.
True the odds are really highly against it. In fact, we would say that these purported rumors are definitely untrue and without merit whatsoever. So don't go cutting and pasting and sending these around like they were true. THAT WOULD NOT BE NICE. IT WOULD BE WRONG. Even if it might be funny.
So just don't do it.
Don't cut here.
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The Top 10 Secrets of the Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign
10 – Does Hillary get really annoyed when the staff gets punchy and can't help start singing "The Name Game" when they get tired, especially because they slip and sing 'Hillary, Hillary, bO bama' way too many times for her comfort?
9 – Is Bill Clinton the one who most often slips and then starts in with 'Obama, bamma, bObama, fi, fi, yo mama' and Hillary doesn't think Bill is referring to Obama's Mama?
8 – Have some of the girls/boys on the campaign staff have been sliding 'First Gentleman' outfit pictures (skirts, dresses, pants suits, blue dresses, and village people attire) under Bill's office door while he has been out on the trail?
7 – Has this has caused the former President to start pestering Senator Clinton – presuming a fall victory – to think about appointing Bill to a post that would get him out of 'First Gentleman' duties and hand the 'First Lady' duties over to Chelsea on the grounds that she could use the political exposure and that several Presidents (unmarried) did have their daughters fill the first Lady Function?
Did Bill think that SecDef, SecInterior, Ambassador to the United Nations or a number of other jobs could keep him out of the White House most of the time and avoid the whole co-presidency brou-ha-ha? Do rumors linger that the 'unmarried' notion caused a pause for thought, but that other ambassadorships, Iraq, Chile, Turkmenistan, Ethiopia also came to mind?
6 – Is Hillary quite peeved to have heard the US Secret Service agents now on President Bush's 'Detail' have decided on a contest to determine who gets onto Bill's detail and who gets stuck, er, assigned to Hillary all based on the most creative call signs for Hillary and Bill? (So far WET_HEN and DOG_HOUSE are in first place, followed up by ICE_CUBE and HOT_SAX).
For the rest see The Peter Files Blog of Comedy
See what I mean? So, I agree, there MUST be at LEAST 50 Superdelegates just waiting to turn over for Obama. I want it to, ergo, it must be true.
And in that, I am right up there with the rest of the thinking shown by the American Public as I have seen it in the comments on the internet this campaign season!
Alex would take a page from Teddy Roosevelt's book and start his own party!
Yeah, he sounds more like a Ron Paul type, what with the minimal government and al. In fact, the whole Goldwater conservatives are starting to look more libertarian than conservative in today's standards….
Wouldn�t he really be a Paultopian?