Even as I type, environmental hero John McCain is traipsing around the Pacific Northwest, telling bearded, flannel-clad independents that global warming is one of the many things on which he will wage war if he's elected president. Good for him!

Referring to melting glaciers in the Arctic Ocean and the vanishing habitats of polar bears and walruses, the Arizona senator and presumptive Republican nominee for president said it was time to stop quibbling over the causes of global warming.

He pledged to "deal with the central facts of rising temperatures, rising waters and all the endless troubles that global warming will bring."

I would so totally buy that man a soy chai latte. I would drive him to the co-op in my Prius and let him borrow my hemp tote. What I'm trying to say is, when it comes to climate change, John McCain is right on. Right?

He has opposed a federal standard on renewable energy while his opponents have called for drawing as much as a quarter of the nation's energy from such sources within two decades. He wrote legislation to raise fuel economy standards to 36 mpg over 13 years, yet didn't support an alternate proposal to increase the requirement to 40 mpg.

Oh, great. That's just great…

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, the body which collates scientific evidence for policymakers, concludes that sea level rose by 1-2mm per year over the last century, and will rise by a total of anything up to 88cm during the course of this century.

…which means that when the former President McCain is revived to celebrate the end of the Iraq war, the water will be up to his cryogenically-frozen knees.