Meet Your VP Finalists
Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!
Running With The Devil! It's time for the ex-Senate Page's much-anticipated Running Mate Rundown! Trust us, folks: Iran isn't going to bomb itself. It takes more than bleached teeth and a Christmas card full of white kids to rightfully inherit Dick Cheney's undisclosed location.
Fortunately for the candidates, we've done all the hard work by narrowing their choices to four VP finalists apiece. We trust the nominees can pare it down from here — hopefully in the form of a reality TV show!
For Hillary Clinton:
Ted Strickland, the first-term governor from Ohio |
Pros: Popular governor of an important swing state. Cons: As an Ohioan, he will likely be outsourced to China well before the election. |
 Evan Bayh, senator and former governor of Indiana |
Cons: His coiffed look and folksy demeanor has been used to paint him as a "lightweight." Pros: Rumored 14-inch penis is the talk of Washington. |
 Tom Vilsack, former governor of Iowa |
Cons: His own presidential bid generated almost no national interest, and he failed to deliver Iowa for Hillary in January. Pros: Could crush any Republican challenger in the event of a vice-presidential corn-eating contest. |
 Barack Obama, senator from Illinois |
Pros: Extremely high-profile presidential candidate, excellent public speaker, broad appeal among liberals and moderates alike. Cons: If elected, his "37" would be the lowest vice-presidential bowling score since Hannibal Hamlin. |
For Barack Obama:
 Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York City. |
Pros: Wonkish, diminutive, effeminate, ex-Republican, billionaire Jew from New York City. Cons: Some pundits unfairly claim certain voters might not be able to identify with him. |
 Jim Webb, senator from Virginia |
Cons: Poor public speaker who avoids the spotlight at all costs. May continue writing oversexed military fiction while Vice President. Pros: Three-time Ultimate Fighting champion of Northern Virginia. May be called upon to personally hunt down Osama bin Laden and kickbox him to death. |
 Pat Tillman, war hero, former Arizona Cardinals star, died defending his country and was posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor. |
Pros: Like Republican nominee McCain, Tillman forsook a comfortable lifestyle back home to defend his country in a time of war. Cons: Most feel it's pointless to put an Arizonan on the ticket, given McCain’s popularity in his home state. |
 Hillary Clinton, senator from New York |
Pros: Extremely high-profile presidential candidate and former First Lady, strong polling power among blue-collar voters and women. Cons: Most of her fall calendar will be booked on account of running for president. |
For John McCain:
 Joe Lieberman, senator from Connecticut |
Cons: Has participated in two failed campaigns for the White House, reviled by members of his own party, generally a national joke. Pros: In the event of an embarrassing death, could be easily played by Wallace Shawn. |
 Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina. |
Pros: Charming, well-liked Southern moderate. Cons: Cannot read or write. |
 Aaron Burr, former Vice President of the United States |
Pros: Was McCain's running mate in his first bid for the presidency. Can deliver New Jersey on intimidation alone. Cons: Has already endorsed Dennis Kucinich. |
 Larry Craig, senator from Idaho |
Pros: Very high-profile senator with solid conservative track record, hailing from the newly-pivotal Mountain West. Cons: His protectionist approach toward ethanol tariffs clashes with a key plank in McCain's platform. |
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Bloomberg, Burr, Clinton and Craig cracked my shit up. Tillman was… ballsy.
Reality show—good idea! We at home can boot off the most offensive prospects from the Beltway and everyone gets an all-expense paid trip to Washington D.C. and a 2-week stay at the Watergate Hotel!
Glad to see Larry Craig made the list. No Condi? Or will she be running the NFL?
Strickland outsourced to China…Love it!
In the real world I think Chuch Hager would be a great VP. He could join Obama on the ticket & they could create some real compromise. Besides, Hager has now turned against the Repugnants. That is the reason , he is retiring from the Senate. And he has a military background.
Ted Strickland looks like he has an amazing deal about a Geo Metro to tell me about. If he gets to remain in the country.
Lieberman's only mocked by the blogosphere/upper mid. class liberals. The rest of the nation — most Republicans, for instance — think he's pretty cool.
Most of Connecticut will tell you they love Joe.
Sorry I'm not funny.
Larry kinda scares me, which most of you would find pretty pretty pretty amusing.
Why not Ralph Nader as Obama's Running mate! At least then we could have a great bumper sticker!!
OBAMA/NADER '08 – You can't stop the Obamanator!!
Someone pointed out an Obama/Bayh ticket would be pronounced "Obama/Bayh" –> thus, this ticket is impossible !
[...] is just the man for the job. As a highly decorated former Marine Corpsman and a much-feared Ultimate Fighting champion, the senior senator from Virginia has guts, stamina, and the killer instinct needed to deal with [...]