Unreasonable Man Ralph Nader makes it easy. Sure, he's owned corporate stock, dissed the Green Party, and been accused of "spoiling" the election chances of Democrats paddling towards the callow middle — but what can he do for the Billionaires? The splash page for his website asks "which side are you on?" On one side: "Nader/ Gonzales '08." On the other: corporate greed, corporate power, corporate control, the health insurance industry, agribusiness giants, corporate criminals, nuclear power, big banks, drug companies, corporate Democrats, polluters, unionbusters, war profiteers, credit card companies, Wall Street, Big Oil, and corporate Republicans. Have I died and gone to Halliburton? Sign me up for Column B!

Corporations Are People Too

An unprecedented double strike-out in this category. Ralph Nader is single-handedly responsible for giving America safer cars, safer drinking water, safer workplaces and safer food. It was so much more profitable when we could ignore consumer safety…sure, a few consumers would die from time to time, but there are always more in the pipeline.

Loyal to Big Oil

Speaking of pipelines, Big Oil is right there on Ralph's enemies list, along with Big Banks and Agribusiness Giants. Have Nader's Raiders turned into the corporate fat police? ExxonMobil can't help it if it's big boned.

War Profiteering Is Not a Crime

Nader has suggested that the military budget could be cut by $62 billion just by trimming waste and fraud. Ummm….how could I pay for my new chain of islands without waste and fraud?

Clean Air — Can't Sell It, Who Needs It?

Nader has been instrumental in passing the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act, the Natural Gas Pipeline Safety Act, the Federal Coal Mine Health and Safety Act, and the law that created the Environmental Protection Agency. Sickening. In fact I just threw up a little in my new Prada clutch. Thanks a lot, Ralph.

Wealth Care, Not Health Care

According to Ralph, health care is a universal right, and he's a staunch advocate of real single-payer health care, unlike the leading Democratic contenders. He once said "the pharmaceutical industry is suffering from a malaise where corporate profits are more highly valued than people's health." I don't need to speak French to know that sounds fantastique to me.

Widen the Income Gap

Nader has criticized "Corporate Welfare Kings," and suggests denying government subsidies to corporations who pay their CEOs more than thirty times what their lowest-paid workers make. That means if I want to keep my prudent and reasonable $600 million salary, my scullery maids would be making $20 million a year. Preposterous — what would a scullery maid do with that kind of money?

It's a Class War… And We're Winning

In The Good Fight, Nader writes "Giant corporations roam the Earth, pitting societies against one another in search of the lowest costs from serf labor…pulling down standards of living in more democratic countries." Again with the giants! Ralph is 6'3", so it can't be a short man's complex…perhaps he had an unfortunate run-in with a giant as a child. Fee Fie Fo Fum!