Ask a Former Evangelical Christian: The Answers
We'd like to thank everyone who participated in Ask a Former Evangelical. Here, now, are an inspirational handful of answers:
Does Jesus support a "strike first" policy? (Obamagramma)
"While technically Jesus supports a 'turn the other cheek' policy, this policy is superseded by a 'blow stuff up and ask questions later' policy during times of Armageddon. Technical requirements for declaring Armageddon are complicated, but some good rules of thumb are: terrorism = Armageddon, communism = Armageddon, high gas prices = Armageddon."
When someone is in a major crisis in their life is it recommended to not respond to their pleas of help so that it can demoralize them enough to turn to God when they are at their lowest point so the conversion will be easiest? (Annie)
"You are on the right track, but your bluntness is a bit hurtful to the cause. It is actually best to answer any and all pleas for help in a passive aggressive manner. Listen carefully to the person in crisis, shake your head in empathy. Pat them on the back if you can, but make sure that they don't see you as being condescending. A good phrase to try is, 'I don't know how you are getting through this without Jesus, but I will pray for you.'"
What's always had me flummoxed was why God "needs" us to pray or else he get's mad and sends us to hell for an eternity of pain! I guess I just don't get why the man's got such a low self-esteem. To be honest, I'd rather have Doc Manhattan from Watchmen as my god now. He was a bit more over that petty stuff. (Jimmy)
"Prayer doesn't change God, it changes us. Prayer is a way that we can slowly let our own 'intrinsic fields' down so that the we can bathe in the power of his nuclear goodness in short bursts. Just as I found my way into your comic book reference with the help of Wikipedia, God finds his way into our world by feigning interest in our petty concerns in order that we might, in turn, find our way into his world. Now, as to why God might hear my prayer to, say, score the winning touchdown in order to earn my several million dollar bonus and not hear the pleas of the estimated thirty thousand children who starve to death each day…you got me there."
When Jesus said, "the meek shall inherit the Earth," was he talking about the Karl Rove-type meek, or the Exxon-Mobil-type meek, or the Newt Gingrich-type meek? (Shreya)
"I don't think that Rove, Gingrich, or the Exxon Mobil executives are true evangelicals. I think the kind of meek you want is the James Dobson type in which you assume that your degree in family therapy means that you are an expert in either interpreting very old religious texts written in languages you do not know or prescribing social policy."
What's the best question to ask an Evangelical Christian to render them red-faced and/or speechless? (Lee Quick)
"When was the last time you masturbated, what did you fantasize about, how did it feel, and how did you clean up afterwords?"
Do you think most evangelicals picture Charlton Heston when they pray to God? (Kia)
"Yes."
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while this did make me giggle and commiserate (as an ardent socialist and a huge fan of Marx, I've come into contact with communism=Armageddon), it made me cringe a bit too. This post is all too accurate… for some. I've spent many hours holding back tears and tirades while my "Christian" brothers and sisters mock, condemn and spout hatred towards others. Xenophobia, homophobia, and love of power and money run rampant through many very public "Christian" circles. But getting back to the comment about what Jesus himself "technically" supports, it's clear that the debates and issues that drive the religious right are not reflected in the teachings of Christ, and those in the spotlight claiming to be Christians have, perhaps, lost the integrity of the faith.
I don't mean to spread any more bitterness than is already out there – the truth is that what these leaders need, Dobson included, is forgiveness.
But please, as we joke together and try to stem the anger we feel at being mistreated and manipulated by people, remember that just like those outside the evangelical movement, not everyone is the same. I promise, there are some evangelicals out there that care about the world, the environment, poverty, the rights and respect of the gay community, democracy (not theocracy), diplomacy (not blowing things/people up), and trying to live life by Jesus' standard – not James Dobson's, George W. Bush's or anyone else's.
if you want proof, check out http://www.sojo.net . its a progressive Christian group trying to work toward reconciliation and justice. we may not always get it right, but hey – some of us are trying to do better!
You want to drive one of these alledged "men of God" crazy? Here are a couple of good ones. I was at the St.Petersburg Fl. Pride parade last week.I am not Gay but supportive and I happen to live on the Parade route and have the best seat in town. So at the end of the parade were a group of supposed Christians spewing very vile, horrible comments. He was spouting off that "Fags, Jews, Catholics, Lutherans and the Pope and anyone who did not adhere to his tenets are going to hell. Well this concerned me. So I confronted him on a couple of questions. 1) Why do you use banners that all quote the Old Testament, which I assumed were handed down to man by God to the Jews, to support your statements.(whom he declared were all going to Hell, including Moses AKA Charlton Heston) 2) This one really drove him nuts. Ask him about the Deadly sin of pride or "a proud look". His clothes were all new, crisp, well starched, big ole' belt and buckle and a great pomp. Tell him "well your hair is perfect". Well he flipped me off. Enough said.
rose… thanks, I like you too. None of those little yappy dogs though please.
If life is pre-destined, why did we kill abortion doctors? Does God's portfolio include Mexicana Airlines?
Kia….can we buy like, 7 puppies (or anything small and furry) and raise them together?