This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse: Stephen Baldwin
Sometimes it seems like everything we hear from our politicians fills us with existential despair — and that's just the Obama campaign. But as I show in my new book Apocalypse How, the hastening end-times shouldn't be grounds for pessimism. Rather, we can choose to look at our soon-to-be-ended-world as half-unfucked, teeming with time, opportunities, and most likely, cockroaches. Protein-rich, delightfully crunchy cockroaches. See? It's all in how you look at it through the jaggedly carved eyehole in your bunker. So take a load off, put a smile on (and ideally, some combination of lead and Kevlar), and enjoy this harbinger of your exciting new life to come.
SIGN: Stephen Baldwin threatens to move to Canada if Obama wins.
WHY THAT'S A SIGN: Emotionally frazzled from quadrennial Baldwin-presidential-departure threats, America gives up and puts all future Presidential elections in the hands of the Baldwin brothers. Alec, Daniel, and Billy demur, saying they're too busy with acting gigs.
WHAT TO EXPECT: Mad with power, born-again Christian Stephen calls Jesus down to annihilate a world that would let him be fired on Celebrity Apprentice. Donald Trump is first to perish, in flames "so elegant, they have incinerated princes and sultans."
WHY THAT'S GREAT NEWS: Stephen, Kirk Cameron and Gary Busey all Raptured and set to star in new show The Surreal Afterlife.
Each week, Daily Show writer Rob Kutner, author of the book Apocalypse How (on sale now!), reminds us that the world is about to end…and why we should be psyched.
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Kyle: I think that parents only get so offended by television because they rely on it as a babysitter and the sole educator of their kids.
I hope it's more than just a threat. One less dick to hear about.
If he would just promise to take Pauly Shore with him, Obama would win in a landslide. The Biodome bump.
"Jeez, and Susan Sarandon is threatening to leave if McCain wins! What a problem. Didn't we learn when Alec Baldwin left the country after George W won? What, he didn't leave? Well he scared us pretty good.
Oh no! we can't allow this to happen. We have already lost Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Madonna, and George Clooney, to name a few who are living abroad. We can't afford to lose a Baldwin brother too. Soon we won't have any national treasures left in the U.S..
"Oh no! We can't allow this to happen. We have already lost Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Madonna,and George Clooney, to name a few who are living abroad. We can't afford to loose a Baldwin brother too. Soon we won't have any national treasures left in the U.S..
Some Canadians are never satisfied.
We are assuming Canada is stupid enough to let Baldwin into their country. More to the point, why doesn't born again Baldwin threaten to go to Central or South America so that he can do mission work?