Casting a Wide Stance: The Top 5 Most Arrogant Political Affairs
The John Edwards affair has put the "dead girls and live boys" of Washington back where they belong — under our microscope. Men of power have been arrogantly flaunting their affairs since the invention of the penis. But while there's, "I did not have sex with that woman," arrogant, there's also "serving your cancer-ridden wife divorce papers so you can run off with your 33-year-old mistress while prosecuting the president for an illegal BJ" arrogant. With that in mind, Indecision 2008 presents the top five most mind-bogglingly arrogant affairs in American political history ranked on a scale of 1-8 Emperor's Club whore diamonds.
5. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Though our 32nd president had affairs as numerous as he was crippled, they were nothing if not discrete — relics of a simpler time when a president could fingerbang his wife's secretary with one hand and punch Hitler in the solar plexus with the other.
4. Newt Gingrich, Bob Livingston, David Vitter
Once upon a time, there were three restless congressmen.
Speaker of the House and recovering giraffe hunting addict Newt Gingrich was forced to resign as speaker in 1998 when it was revealed that he was having an affair with a 33-year-old Congressional staffer while trying to impeach the president on felony hummer charges.
The man selected to replace him as speaker, Louisiana Congressman Bob Livingston, resigned from Congress himself to prevent Larry Flynt from publishing proof of his own extramarital affairs, outing him to his Hustler-subscriber wife Bonnie.
His replacement in Congress, David Vitter, was later identified as a client of the D.C. Madam prostitution ring, a crime that effectively ended his political career when he got lots of free publicity, a slap on the wrist, and his prostitute killed herself.
Thus, proudly surveying the mockery they had made of the institution they had sworn to uphold and defend, the three congressmen, boners held high, galloped bowlegged off into sunset.
3. Gary Hart
When newspapers began publishing rumors that Hart was having an affair, the Colorado senator forthrightly retorted, "Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a tail on me, go ahead. They'll be very bored." Two days later, reporters discovered him nailing a 29-year-old model on board a yacht called "Monkey Business" and all yawned really small.
2. Bernard Kerik
The "Sidekick of 9/11" tried to "illegal nanny" his way out of a nomination for Homeland Security Chief before it was discovered that he had been "saluting the heroes" with the publisher of his autobiography in an apartment donated for the use of emergency workers at ground zero. Kerik later stated that he would have preferred to have been out in the thick with his men but rubble kept creeping up his ass and the 24/7 ashen-faced wailing was killing his wood.
1. Patrick Leahy
While the Vermont senator has had no reported affairs to date, he masturbates like a horny bonobo at appropriations committee meetings.
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[...] programs, because this plays to their expertise, and also because — as far as David Vitter is concerned — this is not necessarily an "abuse of federal dollars," assuming the prostitutes [...]
This is news to me about Patrick Leahy fondling himself during appropriation meetings. That is truly sick, sick, sick!!
I wanna join the lewd talk: Listen to McCain or Bush say the words "Dictator" or "Country"–emphasis always placed with schoolboy glee on the first syllable. And don't get me started on "at the moment of conception," the phrase that made McCain swallow a mouthful of spit and give a look like a self-satisfied* baboon.
*If you know what I mean.
on the morality scale of least, masturbation pales to an affair, and neither of those are illegal (like prostitution).
and FDR's wife was gettin' some on the side, too: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eleanor_Roosevelt#Franklin.27s_affair_and_Eleanor.27s_relationships
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?
Have all these men's wives had their vaginas permanently sealed? Why have you offered only two alternatives…masturbation or cheating?
And, in this election, the biggest affair is going to clearly be John McCrypt and his nauseating wife, McMillionaire… (I'm sorry, let me clarify) the affair that led him to leave his handicapped wife and children upon his heroic return from Vietnam! Forget your puny little diamond system – McCain gets like 10 hope diamonds for that little career-boosting transaction. Unfortunately, now he's stuck with the bitch until he's dead. Lucky for him, it probably won't be that long. He's only 8 years younger than my blind grandmother living in the home! And she still looks better!
What about all of the other allegations of adultery against McCain?
But women do like experience…
"If the U.S. won't vote for people who have affairs OR masturbate, you'll be left with the impotent war mongers. Oh yeah."
So, basically, no change.
If the U.S. won't vote for people who have affairs OR masturbate, you'll be left with the impotent war mongers. Oh yeah.
That's so inappropriate.
I knew Sen. Leahy was a chronic masturbator, but what the hell kind of hot appropriation material aroused him over the past 8 years?