Maybe you're actually in Denver attending the Democratic National Convention. Or, maybe you're just going there in your mind. However you get there, here's what you need to know to get the most out of it:

Dress Code
Appropriate attire is a must. If you're a delegate, this means a conservative suit or dress (no midriffs!), closed-toed leather shoes, and a six-foot-tall Uncle Sam hat with the name of your state on it. If you're a member of the press, this means your press pass. You can pretty much go naked, as long as you've got your press pass on.

Conduct
Conduct yourself with dignity. Disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters may be tempted to create a ruckus during the nomination roll-call, but this is a big no-no. If you have a grievance, take it up directly with the Democratic National Committee chairman, Howard Dean. He'll be happy to drop whatever he's doing to help out. Also, don't be tempted to bring any buckets of feces into the Convention, because those are strictly off limits.

Celebrities
While you are wandering the Convention floor, you will definitely run into some political celebrities. You might see the likes of John Kerry, Al Franken, or even Emanuel Cleaver II! Don't gawk; you'll just reveal yourself as a star-struck hick. Instead, sidle up to the politician, grip him or her on the shoulder, and strike up a conversation about your favorite special interest groups. Since you are here to impress, you should name-drop people even more important than they are. (Example: “As I was saying to FDR the other day…”)

Beyond the Convention
If you get bored, you can always stroll outside the arena to gawk at the Ralph Nader protesters. You can look and point, but do not talk to them. Attention will only encourage them further.