If you thought that the Democratic National Convention would be nothing more than Howard Dean, Ted Kennedy and 800 sobbing Hillary delegates, it’s time to meet a man who has risen from the country roads of Virginia to travel our nation, speak out against inequality and injustice, and inspire millions along the way. Now this great Virginian has come to Denver to persuade America to elect Barack Obama president, as throngs of admirers cheer his name. We’re talking, of course, about Dave Matthews.

But former governor Mark Warner is attending the convention as well!

In fact, he’s giving the keynote speech tonight, an honor merited by his many accomplishments, including…

• Serving one term as governor of Virginia.
• Losing the 1996 Senate race to another guy named Warner.
• Running for Senate again this year.
• Making $200 million as an early investor in Nextel.
• Standing in for San Diego Chargers coach Norv Turner at ribbon-cutting ceremonies. (Well not as of press time, but surely if he loses his election. The resemblance is freakish.)

Warner’s speech will focus on governing with "common sense" and restoring bipartisanship in Washington, DC before building to its final conclusion: Barack Obama is not a Muslim.

And then when that’s finished, he’s got tickets for Dave Matthews.