All Day Election Coverage Tomorrow! (Or, the Next Person Who Tells Me This Election's Already Over is Getting Punched in the Throat)
Okay, the polls are leaning very heavily in Barack Obama's favor right now. I don't care. Fuck those polls. And while we're on the subject, all of these people can go fuck their polls, too.
There's a quaint little tradition we have in my country, and it's called voting.
Until we've actually voted for a particular candidate, we generally don't refer to him or her as the winner. Especially when swing states like Pennsylvania who won't open a single polling station until 7 a.m. tomorrow.
I'll tell you when I will acknowledge that Barack Obama has won the election: When he's won the election. If he wins the election.
With that in mind, we've decided that it's probably a good idea to treat tomorrow like it's an important Election Day, since it is, like, Election Day and all. And, since we have been building up to this day for the past two years and already went to all the trouble to set up like a billion really cool things for our coverage, like…
* Comprehensive all-day liveblogging with the Indecider 2008 staff
* Election night liveblogging with Patton Oswalt and friends
* Election night liveblogging with David Alan Grier from Chocolate News
* Video commentary with The Onion's Baratunde Thurston
* Chat rooms for you to join in and liveblog your election night experience
* Other stuff
We're looking forward to collectively totally freaking the fuck out with all of you.
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Thanks for the kind offer of liveblogging all over. But I want live streaming. I want to see Jon and Stephen on the Internetstubes. Ted Stevens does too. And so do over 300 commenters. http://blog.indecision2008.com/2008/10/30/jon-stewart-and-stephen-colbert-to-join-forces-for-live-election-night-special/
Purple Majesty Awards for the writers here. I guess they're very purple and not necessarily comments. Hell, they've been dolling them out for us so let's see if I can't figure out the contenders.
CubbyChaser and Dennis exposing himself: The Vagina Monologues and the Flame War with Jezebel. Dennis jumped on the grenade for his colleagues, outed himself, and took some shit. I still think the use of the word "Vagina" was appropriate. Up yours Jezebel.
G. Xavier Robillard: Best cat shit article of all time. Seriously. Plus, he's always secretly fucked with us and has not told us what the hell the "G" stands for.
The Ris Bros.: Finding comedy after being pages had to be tough. That's cliche as hell. Truth is, they parlayed their repressed memories into a great job and have always elucidated Beltway knowledge few really know.
CubbyChaser: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."
Mary Phillips-Sandy: Keeping us up to date with Canadian politics. Sexy. Mary will forever go down in my mind as the reporter who exposed the leader of The Green Party who doesn't smoke weed. What the fuck?
Gonzalo Cordova: Best impression of Blair Witch Project in Miami. You need to know Miami. "I got X-Ray Vision Man!" Plus, he takes pleasure in the misery of others — like when the lady with ice cold water spilled her shit everywhere. Plus, he's got a thing for Michelle's booty I'm fairly sure. I owe ya a trip to Joe's. Thanks.
Michael Kraskin: Always keeping us up to date with SNL bits, word clouds, liveblogs, video games, talking Palins and whatnot. But for me, his greatest moment came when he outed Biden for shitting on The Empire Strikes Back and sequels in general proving Biden is a retard.
DDC: Breakfast With Jon Stewart Series. 'Nuff said. Plus, you were always pro-fart. Thank you.
Karen Lurie and Eric March and Dustin Chinn: Ruined livers nationwide.
Tony DiGerolamo: Not so much into Irish Trekkies, but, I will say "Make it so" tomorrow.
Don Steele: Most underrated wrestling writer here perhaps. The only one who gets the parallel between wrestling and politics. Plus, he's related to George "The Animal" Steele.
TheIndecider: Who the hell are you already? An amalgamation of everyone or was your Mom bad at doling out names? The best caption challenge? I'd say the one with Palin and the empty chair.
Thanks for the trip everyone and I hope I didn't leave anyone out. I have a question: Why did you kill CubbyChaser and what prompted y'all to stop being anonymous? I'm glad you did. Credit where credit is due. Of course, I use my birth name and never write under other aliases. You all did one helluva job and I think I speak for everyone when I say thanks. OK, I have to make a poopy.
Damn Dennis… it feels good to agree with you. I could have actually written that… only if I'd written it everyone would be asleep by now.
The elections over! *hides*
Crap. Ron Paul is on CNN. I can't take this at 5am.
Douchenozzle is too good a name for that Good Ole Oxycontin Rush -which has recently supplanted the Pangalactic Gargle Blaster as the probably deadliest drink ever. How about enemabag?
My first time voting in this town. I look at the polling address and it seems to be the old folk's home visible from my window … I look again and check on-line; it's the old folk's home across the river, the "bad neighbor" (parking-wise) to the independent cinema next door. I drive over. How can the district be this shape? Parking is easy at 10 am, but won't be … inside, Grumpus and Grumpus, both in cardigan sweaters, are sitting with the roles. They didn't believe my street was real, but they never check my ID. If I didn't have such a distinctive face, I'd be tempted to vote again.
"Legalizing marijuana" is on the ballot. Maybe that's what they're all so upset about. I see a neighbor who's name I cant remember. The rest of them were probably all plants. In general, I get that "You never thanked us for the cookies last time" feeling. Constance X on Myspace.
Holograms!! It is the future! It really is!!
I voted for the REAL maverick: Bob Barr! (I fell down A LOT as a child, so I could be mildly retarded)
Patton,
Who would Jesus vote for?