This Election Day, Help Me Gamble the Vote
Some people vote on foreign policy. Some people vote on the economy. Some vote because they like pulling big ol' levers. I cast my vote to advance the cause that is closest to my own heart this year — annihilating my high school friends in our Electoral College pool.
But I can't do it alone. I need your help. If you live in any of the following states:
California, Colorado, Connecticut, D.C., Delaware, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, Wisconsin
Please vote for Barack Obama.
If you live in any of the following states:
Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Georgia, Idaho, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Montana, Nebraska, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, West Virginia, Wyoming
Please vote for John McCain.
What are your Electoral College predictions?
RSS
![](\"http://www.comedycentral.com/images/sitewide/mtvn_logo.jpg\"/){kind=logo}
Check the polls: Obama's position improves when Nader and Barr are included. So, if it's a close call, maybe we'll have Nader to thank. Not that that'll make up for the last 8 years…
I think Obama will get 296
Ok I meant to get this done by Halloween and go out for a night of fun but things got real different real quick and it took until now for my mind to totally drink it all in.
A friend,let's call him, Bill the Insider,came up and told me of a gathering, a gathering of The League of G.O.D. I had to take this potion in order to fool the guards but if I got past,I would see the real truth. The potion tasted like mint flavored wet dog but I wanted to see this 'truth'.
Since Bill was my ride,I finished the potion,right as we pulled up to the place I was supposed to get out. What a fucking shithole!! There were homeless folks all around,pissing everywhere. Furniture that had long seen better days was all about and this ungodly brownstone that should have been condemned at the start of the last century. I was about to leave this scene when I became painfully aware…I had no ride home!! Then some thing caught my eye. Engraved above the ungodly brownstone were the words..
'GREED OVER DIPLOMACY' Was this the way into the home of the 'League' or just a coincidence? I don't believe in coincidence…so I went for the door.
As I made my way to the steps one of the Homeless stopped me with " Do
you have any change?" Usually I reach into my pocket and help out folks wosre off than me,but the drug I got from Bill was taking effect and before I could think about it, I punched the dude and said " Get off my Planet you piece of Human garbage!!" Two other huge 'bums' stood and opened the door saying " That is the correct password for tonight. Enter the League."
I was'nt sure whether it was the shit Bill gave me or the sight of the inside of this place but I was looking at a huge palace. A palace that had a shithole for a front. An usher arrived on a floating 'segway' " This way Sir, We're about to start." " What's with the crazy front side to this place?" I asked. This usher dude started laughing and weaving his 'floataway' " Oh Sir… Very funny! You know a slum is the best cover. All those homeless were packing major heat,the latest laser weapons and the human-demoleculizer around the door." he continued " There's no safer place to hide the World's Most Powerful and the World's Most Wealthy than a ghetto shitbox…in Queens."
Ok he had me there,no one wants to be in a ghetto in Queens, anytime.
This place was decked out in gilt covered everything. Even more than the church downtown. The biggest golden thing was what appeared to be a throne shaped like and gigantic phallus surrounded by many robed figures,all chanting, " Show me the Money,Show me the Money"
Flames shot out of the asses of guilded piggy-banks with dollar signs and an ominus drone of countless supporters " OOOO-BAAAA-MAAAAA" began to make the building shudder down to it's very foundations. Suddenly a Bass and Horns with Drums with giant smiles on the heads began joining in the drone. Spotlights hit something out of sight that soon began coming into view.
This figure was suspended,being lowered to the pulpit. I could just make out his speak as I got closer to the scene.
" Jesus Christ Fried Monkey Balls!!!!" screamed the figure,hanging in a upside-down cross. " This motherfucker snapped again God Dammit!! I'm not supposed to look like a braindead bungie jumper!!"'Get me down you assholes!". I was stunned! It was Barack Obama acting like a floating Christ.
" This entrance isn't coming together right." sounding a lot like gay fashion designer. About then Dick Cheney came running up and knelt in front of Obama,saying, " Oh Great and Powerful O, There is a message." " Leave Us! commanded the O.After the supporters scurried off like flies on a fresh turd. " What's the message?" asked the O. " Yic,op lslu pith gag" came the response. " What the fuck you taking 'bout Cheney?' " That ain't no kinda message! yelled the angry O. "Perhaps," choked Cheney, " If you were'nt pissing in my face,oh Great O. I could tell you." said Cheney wiping his face.
" Oh snap!" said O, "Sorry dude.. I was at a fund raiser with R. Kelly. You know how it goes,once ya'll start pissin'…it's on!!" " So. empty your mind" said Obama,striking a zoot-suiter pose on the arm of the Golden Throne. " Oh Mighty O, He's come Sir."
" Who came!" shouted Barack " I told motherfuckrs to use condoms in this house but nooooo,some fool goes and skeets up your house,who done it,Cheney,was it you?!?!??" " No Sir, He's arrived" said Cheney " It's the POW Sir." " Shit!!" yelled O slamming his fist on the throne "Will we ever be rid of this old fossilassed dickwart……" " Master." called out a weak voice. " John!!" said a startled Obama whirling about to see McCain slinking towards him,his progress slowed by his skin sticking to the floor causing it to strech and making a slaping sound when it sprang back into place,lurching him forward. " Master" continued Mccain, " Master the task is almost completed." The Northern One has performed well,Master". " Give me the report." demanded the O.
" Let's see…" said the Great O peering at the paper in his hand. Thinking aloud,' She's done Joe the plummer,twice, Tito the builder,Bob the bricklayer,Sam the Fishmonger,Tyrone the Tranny,Leona the wrestling lesbo,
all the members of the Crips and the Bloods, West Sieeeed!' Just then the O's eyes began to bulge out and a huge vein began pumping on the side of his head. " What the fuck is this!!" screamed the enraged O, "Who's Clemmet,
the Texas Fucking Goat??!!!?!" " Does he vote"" Where's his contribution check?" fumed the Great O. " He is the Mayor of his town,Master" followed Mccain
" So was Sarah!" yelled the O " Can't she get it straight…one vote,one fuck and it better be at least human!!!" " Yeah, but you really had to check out that goat." said Biden wheeling in the latest barrel of cash. " He was one pipe-swinging motherfucker."said Biden. " But does he vote?' pressed O. "He does in Texas!" came the reply which caused an instant uproar of laughter. " Joe, what about that 700 billion?" asked the O, " Damn near all counted and packed away. The damn fools still think we're bailingout Wall St." replied Biden " They won't know shit until we're all out of office." " Good,good" said O. " " How's the Afghanistan thing going?" " Master" slithered McCain " They'll be doubling last years opium production in days." " Great" proclaimed the O, " We're selling more than those stupid Taliban ever could,no wonder they lost to the Russians."
" Master" slimed Mccain " There are still Russians and the Afghans won".
" Slience aged ass!!!" proclaimed the O. " You know the rule… I'm never wrong!" " Yes Master,never wrong,you are the O,there is no bigger O than your O Your O-liness.
" Forgive me Great O! " came a startled shout. It was Hillary,well actually Billary for both halves were melted together. " Great O," she/they started.
We bring word of….." her voice trailed off " Have you got that fucking cigar in my ass again Bill?" the Hillary half freaked. " He,he.he. Depends on your
definition of cigar" replied the Bill side. "The Healthcare,Great O,we bring news of the healthcare plan." Billary began." Everyone that's not sick is behind you all they way!". "and the holdouts?" questioned O. " Well Sir,they are a bit ify on part three." said Billary. 'What's the big deal?" asked the O.
" The terminally ill,the vegitative,the mentally challenged,chronically unemployed,the poor,all covered by part 3." bellowed the O. " But Sir…." pleaded Billary " To be used a fertilizer or burgers at White Castle!!"
" You don't like that?" a shocked Obama replied. " It saves 200 billion a year and makes one hell of a green lawn. What the fuck is wrong with that!"
" Are you sure you wish to work with us?" said O reaching for a red button.
" We're totally loyal" said Billary genuflecting " You are the O,Greatest of all O's." You damn skippy!!" yelled the outraged O.
" Bring the global warming data." commanded O. " There's a trend Sir.' said Al Gore dressed in a polarbear skin suit. The Earth is starting to heal Herself,it's incredible,we were wrong about the whole thing and…." " NEVER" screamed O shooting a laser pointer from Hell at Gore,turning him into…..
clean coal. " I've got to do it all myself!!!" said Obama turning his attention towards a screen beside the throne. " Global warming is ..ON! " Gay Marriage
…fucked". his voice got quieter and quieter as I backed away. It was hard to get past all the asskissers as they tried to kiss mine thinking I was somehow in the 'inner circle'. I bareley got out of there with my pants not covered in lipstick from some real hogs.
In total fear I raced for the first church that had a door open. Not being religious I wasn't sure I'd expolde upon entry or not but fuck it,this was a whole different thing. I found one of those Christ with the chest blown out spots and sat down. Six hits of acid later and I was having a talk with the old boy about what I was just seeing. The Dude sat there a long time,thinking about all I'd said and it's impact on the World. Then he looked at me and said.
" Jef, Shit Happens. Look at me,they nailed me up here 2000 years ago and they ain't got me down yet."
If you live in any state, please, PLEASE vote for Bob Barr.
O.K. Eric. I got it 278 ta' 260 Obama and like the under here if you can get it at around 291. Obama loses Ohio, Indiana, Virginia, Missouri, Florida, North Dakota, North Carolina and the other toss-up states but hangs on to Pennsylvania. Are you calling me a racist? Ok, if it ain't tight, it's a blow out, so, hedge your bet with Obama 354 McCain 184. Either way, Obama hangs on. You can bred on it.
I'd put the over-under at 311.
@G. Xavier Robillard – You want action on Nader? He's off the board for the electoral college, but try picking the actual unpopular vote. @Bearness – Give me five dimes on the under with your number.
Clearly this election goes to Big Mac, The Maverick in a landslide…I just can't wait to see him raise his arms in celebration of his victory.
McCain would do old, floppity, naked, jumping-jacks if he wins. And then shit himself.
Starbucks 300, Crispy Creme 200, remainder in health-care stocks.
What was the electoral college again?