No sooner will the Democrats be back in control of the White House than the country will begin its steep decline in hedonistic depravity and fried cheese…

If you’re in Washington for the Inauguration, you'll be able to party in a bar or restaurant longer than you might have expected. The District of Columbia is extending the hours in which alcohol can be served to 5 a.m. and allow[ing] restaurants to stay open 24 hours a day, from Jan. 17 to Jan. 21.

Right now, bars close at 2 a.m. on weekdays and 3 a.m. on weekends.

Yeah, that all well and good and everything, but what I wanna know is how long they'll be extending the hours on the city's abortion clinics.

I'm really hoping to get pregnant a few times that weekend.