Evaluating Obama's First 100 Days
Of all the fabricated benchmarks created to judge President Obama, the first 100 days is one of the most excitingly noteworthy and easily digestible.
Sure, President Obama has downplayed the importance of the event. Senior Advisor David Axelrod even called it a "Hallmark holiday," thereby belittling other Hallmark holidays like Grandparents Day and Administrative Professionals Day.
But ever since gaining those dead pirate points, Obama can only win support from the media coverage, and so Obama will "pay homage to his 100 days with a Wednesday trip to… Missouri," the state where every exciting thing ever happens.
In honor of the landmark, we decided to celebrate Obama's milestone by over-oversimplifying it further and boiling it down to a nice simple chart comparing President Obama's first 100 days to the accomplishments of history's most famous presidents in such a way that even an idiot could understand…
| First One Hundred Days | President Barack Obama | History's Presidents |
| Greatest Accomplishment | Signing economic stimulus bill into law within the first month in office, thereby creating a socialist state to rival the evil dictatorship that is Canada. | Most Like: F.D.R who established principles and set down laws that made up the New Deal. Those programs would later be adapted into the popular TV show, New Deal or No Deal. |
| War on Terror | Letting the terrorists win by banning torture and closing Guantamo Bay. Also failing to recapture the known criminals who escaped from the facility, Harold and Kumar. | Most Like: Bush, who let the terrorists swim (sounds like win) by water boarding the snot out of them. |
| Pirate Killing | Ordering military action against Somali pirates hijacking an American ship. Obama showed weakness by not waging a War on Piracy that would eventually lead us into attacking North Korea for obvious reasons. | Most Like: Thomas Jefferson who also fought piracy, refusing to pay tribute to pirates, knowing Disney would one day do so in theme park ride form. |
| Education | Strengthening the false concept that if they work hard and studied in school, any child can grow up to become future president. | Most Like: Lincoln who strengthened the concept that if they grew and married a beard, any gay child could grow up to become future gay president.
or Most Like: Bush who strengthened the true concept that if they did enough coke and drove enough drunk, any child of a former president can grow up to become future cowboy president. |
| Civil Rights | Invited gay families to the White House Easter Egg hunt, figuring, who better to find decorative balls than gay fathers. | Most Like: JFK who believed everyone, regardless of race, color, or creed, had a right to join the wild sex parties taking place in colleges and universities around the nation. |
| Dog Ownership | Acquired Bo, the dog, as promised to his daughters, stating in his acceptance speech, "you've earned the new puppy." | Most Like: Nixon who claimed Checkers the dog was his only election gift, presumably stating, "I'll tolerate this new puppy," while shaking his head and making the peace sign with both hands. |
| Cabinet Members | Establishing his "Team of Rivals," placing three people (Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and Tom Vilsack) who pretended to disagree with him the democratic primaries in key political positions where they now always agree with him. | Most Like: Lincoln who placed people who actually disagreed with him in key political decisions and faced negative consequences as a result. So yeah, basically the same thing as Obama. |
| Milestones | Being the first black president, symbolically marking the end of over 200 years of oppression. | Most Like: George Washington, who as the first white president symbolically marked the beginning of over 200 years of oppression |
| Biggest Failures | Failing to achieve bipartisan unity as conservatives and Republicans grow increasingly hostile and unreceptive of his economic and social agendas | Most Like: Every president ever, who all failed to achieve bipartisan unity because politicians are all sore losers. |
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Nice breakdown! CNN should use this today as crib-notes. (Then maybe they won't use as many crazy holograms…)