Ha(u)ppy Canada Day, everyone! To celebrate the country's 142nd anniversary, the Globe and Mail commissioned a survey of national sentiment, and the results may be the most shocking thing to come from Canada since the electric curling broom.

Would you mind too terribly if I explain? Shouldn't take but a moment…

“The cliché about Canadians being timid and diffident and too self-critical is wrong,” says Peter Donolo of The Strategic Counsel. “Canadians think they're the cat's meow. We have a healthy self-image – in fact, a puffed-up image.”

Egomaniacal, meowing Canadians? What next?

Even more surprising to some is an argument that the national food of Canada is now poutine, that fries, gravy and cheese concoction that should only be consumed by the heartless.

More Canadians, it turns out, have eaten this relatively recent invention than have been in a canoe or seen a moose – the traditional tests of being Canadian.

Hey, listen, Canada. Back off. We invented jingoistic indoor cholesterol-raising activities, and we don't need any Mountie-come-latelys stealing our thunder.

Heck, if we had any idea how to find your capitol, we'd probably invade just to keep you in your place. (Wherever that is.)