As I'm sure all of you are well aware, July 4th is a special day, not only because it marks the anniversary of our Founding Fathers completing their work on amending the Bible (or something).

It's also special because it's the birthday of two of the greatest Americans ever: Fox News personality Geraldo Rivera and sign-language-speaking gorilla Koko, the Sign-Language-Speaking Gorilla. (Both are known for their near-human-like intelligence and feces-flinging acumen.)

Please enjoy celebrating all these wondrous things this weekend. And try not to vomit directly into the potato salad. It's bad etiquette.

Amen.