Tabloidy gutter-rag the New York Times ran, over the weekend, another juicy story about John Edwards, that guy who used to do PR for mills. Nobody likes John Edwards much any more, ever since he cheated on his dying wife and fathered an illegitimate child with Rielle Hunter and lied about it, which is why there are investigations and calls for paternity tests and all kinds of embarrassing things going on right now.

But according to the Times, which has a copy of a book proposal written by former Edwards aide Andrew Young, the most humiliating detail of all is this: John Edwards is secretly that "sensitive" guy you dated in college…

Mr. Edwards once calmed an anxious Ms. Hunter by promising her that after his wife died, he would marry her in a rooftop ceremony in New York with an appearance by the Dave Matthews Band.

Oh, Rielle. Honey. You can't buy a line like that. Face it, that guy is just going to get wasted on Natty Light and vomit on your couch.

Anyway, now that the jig is up and the feds are involved, music fans around the world will never get a chance to hear the super-special song Daaaaave was going to compose for the Edwards-Hunter nuptials: "I Cheated on My Dying Wife and Fathered an Illegitimate Child With You Oooh Crash Into Me (Harmonica Solo)." Such a loss.