Did you happen to see Muammar Qaddafi's speech at the United Nations today?

What am I saying? Of course you didn't. Because if you did, you would have pressed a dull pencil into your brain after about an hour and fifteen minutes of that terrifyingly obtuse rant. And then you've have spent the remaining twenty five minutes rolling around in your own drool on the ground…

He tore up a copy of the UN charter in front of startled delegates, accused the security council of being an al-Qaida like terrorist body, called for George Bush and Tony Blair to be put on trial for the Iraq war, demanded $7.7tn in compensation for the ravages of colonialism on Africa and wondered whether swine flu was a biological weapon created in a military laboratory. At one point, he even demanded to know who was behind the killing of JFK.

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" he bellowed at one point, while brandishing the still-bleeding severed head of Jordanian Prime Minister Nader al-Dahabi in one hand and a smoldering copy of the Necronomicon in the other. "Cthulhu fhtagn!"

Okay, that last part didn't happen. I made it up. Or at least I think I made it up. It may have happened for all I know, but, quite frankly, I was in and out of my wits for most of the speech.

Though, during one of my longer swoons, I did feel myself transported to a strange desolate cityscape marked by menacingly non-Euclidean architecture. It wasn't a hallucination. I know it wasn't a hallucination! Why won't you people believe me?!

What's that? I hear a noise at the door, as of some insane, rambling African version of Liberace. It shall not find me. The window! The window!