Six Elections to Pretend to Pay Attention to Tomorrow
I know that tomorrow isn't a real Election Day. But still, we can all pretend. Right?
Right…
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New Jersey Gubernatorial Race – Jon Corzine (D) vs. Chris Christie (R)
Why should you pretend to care?
Like a lot of elections this year, this will probably have less to do with whether New Jersians want to give Corzine another shot in office and more to do with Barack Obama is a Satanist Muslim from Kenya NO MORE TAXES FOR JESUS!! So, you know, I guess we'll see.
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Virginia Gubernatorial Race – Bob McDonnell (R) vs. Creigh Deeds (D)
Who gives a shit?
As it turns out, Sarah Palin gives a shit. She, it would seem, gives a huge shit. The 2012 presidential hopeful has been expending some political cash and releasing her robot doppelganger to go robo-calling Virginites and asking them to "vote for Sarah's principles." Also, if they'd buy her new book, that'd probably be pretty okay, too.
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New York's 23rd Congressional District Race – Bill Owens (D) vs. Doug Hoffman (C)
Can you just sleep through this?
You can, but you'll be missing one of the finest examples of conservative implosions in weeks. This was supposed to be a race between Owens and Republican Dede Scozzafava. But then conservatives decided Scozzafava was — and I quote — "a radical leftist," because they're pretty much cartoon characters pretending to be real people. So, in turn, Scozzafava responded by dropping out and supporting the Democrat. Hi-Larry-ous! This one should actually be entertaining for real.
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New York City Mayoral Race – Incumbent Michael Bloomberg vs. William Thompson
So what?
So, this all boils down to the single most important political question since the beginning of time: Why not just buy this election? The answer: Sure, why not.
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Maine's Proposition 1 and Washington's Referendum 71
What it to you?
Well, it's not really anything to you. Unless you're gay. Or have a gay family member. Or know somebody who's gay. Or just support equality in civil rights and the ideals set forth in the Constitution of the United States.
If not, though, I guess you can just ignore this one.
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Living in Virginia, I can tell you, the issue with Deeds had nothing to do with Obama. This is a referendum on d-bags, plain and simple. Even if he were passing out free gay abortion pagan fornicate-o-rama tickets with Obama smiling down upon him from the Blue Ridge mountains like a Greek god, he couldn't win me over– the only position he really had in this election was the political equivalent of "I dunno.. the other guy's a poopy-head!"
No joke. His answer to the transportation problem was pretty much that he was up for anything. A vote for Deeds was pretty much a civic-minded shrug. Obama had -zero- to do with it.
I hope Palin is the republican nominee for 2012! That will all but guarantee another Obama win.