RIP Levi Johnston's Penis
Everyone in America, please sit down. Find a spot on the couch. Or somewhere on the carpet if you need to. (Ohio, stop pushing Indiana. Arizona, get your finger out of your ear. Well, get it out of New Mexico's ear then. I'm not playing around. This is serious.)
I'm afraid that I have some very sad news. Levi Johnston's penis — the penis that we were all expecting to see shortly in Playgirl — has been sent to a farm where it can run around and play with all the other genitalia…
Playgirl spokesman Daniel Nardicio has released a statement blaming Levi's manager Tank Jones. "He did not give 'full-frontal' as his manager Tank Jones reported he would. We're thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them. Although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity."
I know, everyone in America. I know how desparing and confused you feel at a moment like this. I know that you feel like there will never be another morning. That the chilled night air will whip through your clothes and your soul forevermore.
But please, try to remind yourselves: There will be other penises. Joe the Plumber hasn't been in the spotlight for a few days now. He's due for "leaked" Fred Durst-style sex tape any time now. Any time now.
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Not uo to the job eh? Well withdraw the article.
This disappointing news has left all of New York limp. We were all waiting with our mouths open, knowing how hard it would be for Levi to expose his true self — to risk being accused of having a swelled head, perhaps even to be seen as nuts. He was thrust upon the national stage and grew to manhood by learning how to penetrate the nether world of media. And now — having reached the climax of his fame — this lad has taken matters firmly in hand, choosing to return to the country he loves and its wide open spaces, there to nestle warmly in the gentle contours of its hills, to drink from its sweet salty springs ….
… uhm, gotta go now ….
After all that tease, Levi shouldn't dare disappoint. Or maybe he's just practicing to run for a big office — where promises are not expected to be kept.. Or maybe he's saving something for a higher bidder.
Cut or uncut?
Fuck Tank Jones, he's black, his dick is probably 6 inches limp. I wann a see the white boys stuff, whether 2 or 3 inches, we all deserve to see it
Say what you want about his penis, obviously it works.
It's very chilly in Alaska.
Thank you for small (get it) favors!! Is the media ever going to stop reporting on these less than important people. I would have thought that their 15 minutes of fame would be over by now. We have some major and important issues going on in our nation and world.
I am sick of them overshadowing things like, unemploymnent, health care, 2 wars, and the list goes on and on. None of them, the Palin's and Levi, care about anything other than fattening up their pocketbooks. Can we just move on and please don't mention that bafoon, Joe the Plumber, or he will show back up again.
Who needs to see his penis? The guy is a total dick.