Good news, everyone! Ted Haggard isn't gay anymore. He was gay there for all of his life, but then he went to the doctor and got cured. His wife said so to Meredith Vieira — so, you know — you can take that to the straight-people bank for totally straight people…

"Our relationship is better than it's ever been. Going over this mountain together has given me the marriage that I've always longed for," Gayle Haggard told TODAY's Meredith Vieira Wednesday in New York.  Gayle Haggard had come to discuss her new book, "Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour."…

To Vieira, Gayle added, "In Ted's case, he had had some experiences as a child that kept replaying themselves in his mind. Once he went to therapy he was able to identify that and was given the tools to deal with it. Because of that, he no longer has those compulsions. That's not true for every[Ed note: any]body. That's his story."

Oh! "Experiences as a child!" Is that how people get The Gay? It must be, because it makes so much sense.

Did he also have a methamphetamine experience as a child? He must have, right?