Tuesday, June 14th — When our dear chum, Henry Kravis sent out invitations for a tony $28,500-a-plate shindig at the 21 Club, all to raise money for John "100 More Years" McCain, we Billionaires were thrilled! It was a perfect opportunity to launch our new "Lobbyists for McCain" campaign. (Of course, all Billionaires For Bush are registered lobbyists. It's a birthright, like being a Halliburton board member.)

"I'm a Lobbyist for McCain, because some special interests are more special than others." –Phil T. Rich hobnobs with the press on his way into the 21 Club

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Unreasonable Man Ralph Nader makes it easy. Sure, he's owned corporate stock, dissed the Green Party, and been accused of "spoiling" the election chances of Democrats paddling towards the callow middle — but what can he do for the Billionaires? The splash page for his website asks "which side are you on?" On one side: "Nader/ Gonzales '08." On the other: corporate greed, corporate power, corporate control, the health insurance industry, agribusiness giants, corporate criminals, nuclear power, big banks, drug companies, corporate Democrats, polluters, unionbusters, war profiteers, credit card companies, Wall Street, Big Oil, and corporate Republicans. Have I died and gone to Halliburton? Sign me up for Column B!

Corporations Are People Too

An unprecedented double strike-out in this category. Ralph Nader is single-handedly responsible for giving America safer cars, safer drinking water, safer workplaces and safer food. It was so much more profitable when we could ignore consumer safety…sure, a few consumers would die from time to time, but there are always more in the pipeline.

Loyal to Big Oil

Speaking of pipelines, Big Oil is right there on Ralph's enemies list, along with Big Banks and Agribusiness Giants. Have Nader's Raiders turned into the corporate fat police? ExxonMobil can't help it if it's big boned.

War Profiteering Is Not a Crime

Nader has suggested that the military budget could be cut by $62 billion just by trimming waste and fraud. Ummm….how could I pay for my new chain of islands without waste and fraud?

Clean Air — Can't Sell It, Who Needs It?

Nader has been instrumental in passing the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act, the Natural Gas Pipeline Safety Act, the Federal Coal Mine Health and Safety Act, and the law that created the Environmental Protection Agency. Sickening. In fact I just threw up a little in my new Prada clutch. Thanks a lot, Ralph.

Wealth Care, Not Health Care

According to Ralph, health care is a universal right, and he's a staunch advocate of real single-payer health care, unlike the leading Democratic contenders. He once said "the pharmaceutical industry is suffering from a malaise where corporate profits are more highly valued than people's health." I don't need to speak French to know that sounds fantastique to me.

Widen the Income Gap

Nader has criticized "Corporate Welfare Kings," and suggests denying government subsidies to corporations who pay their CEOs more than thirty times what their lowest-paid workers make. That means if I want to keep my prudent and reasonable $600 million salary, my scullery maids would be making $20 million a year. Preposterous — what would a scullery maid do with that kind of money?

It's a Class War… And We're Winning

In The Good Fight, Nader writes "Giant corporations roam the Earth, pitting societies against one another in search of the lowest costs from serf labor…pulling down standards of living in more democratic countries." Again with the giants! Ralph is 6'3", so it can't be a short man's complex…perhaps he had an unfortunate run-in with a giant as a child. Fee Fie Fo Fum!

American voters always like the underdog. Well America, have I got an underdog for you. Meet Alan Keyes: African-American, Catholic, arch-conservative, anti-abortion crusader, trained opera singer, all-around Republican bad boy.

Yes, he is still in the race.

Heiresses, hold onto your tiaras, because this is the Republican your nanny warned you about. Heirs— keep it in your jodhpurs. This is also the man who disowned his own daughter for coming out as a lesbian. Even Dick Cheney isn't that hard-core.

Who’s Media? Our Media
Those glittering reptilian eyes, that charming tendency to talk over others — it's hard to understand why Alan isn't a media darling. He's made quite an issue of not getting fair and balanced media coverage for his campaign, and he seems to have the press running scared. At one GOP debate, he terrorized the moderator by repeatedly interrupting to demand equal attention. Poor little Wolf Blitzer is so intimidated he can barely include Keyes in CNN's polling data.

One Dollar, One Vote
Alas, Alan has neither generated nor cultivated the kind of Big Money support that wins campaigns. He has only raised $299,186. What a sad little sum. I spent more than that on a diamond-coated iPhone just yesterday.

Corporations Are People Too
In his 2004 Senate campaign against Barack Obama, Keyes likened corporate jockeying for government contracts to a "deeply smelly toad" in the corner of the room. Hmmm…smelly toad…2004… I'm pretty sure that was just Karl Rove. This year, Keyes fumed on his website about "self-seeking corporations." Have the corporations lost themselves? Some might think Alan intended to say "self-serving," but I prefer to think he's taken our slogan "Corporations Are People Too" to a whole new level.

Tax Wages Not Wealth
Says Keyes: "The income tax is a 20th-century socialist experiment that has failed." And "Only the abolition of the income tax will restore the basic American principle that our income is both our own money and our own private business — not the government's." Oh Alan! For a man fighting the War on Pornography, you sure know how to talk dirty.

Education is NOT for Everyone
Dr. Keyes would like to abolish the Department of Education and stop the Federal Government's funding of K-12 education. What's that? The poor have no schools? Why, let them attend Choate!

Loyal to Big Oil
Keyes is a strong supporter of our right to liquidate the environment. After all, it is an asset. As president, he'd give us free rein to drill in ANWR, and he'd get rid of those wet blanket CAFE fuel efficiency standards. "CAFE kills 2,000 – 4,000 people a year by making larger, safer cars less affordable. It's an assault on the family car and should be abolished." Aroint thee, knave — stand back from my Volvo or I shall smite thee!

Global Warming = Better Tans
The Keyes-ster simply abhors the Kyoto Treaty, with its nonsense about all nations working together to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and combat climate change. He suggests that we leave the environment to "the natural tendencies of a morally responsible free economy towards smarter, cleaner, and more efficient services and products." Because that's how it will work out. Trust us.

As voters in Maryland, Virginia, and the District of Columbia head to the polls this Tuesday, Hillary Clinton is trying to convince middle class primary voters that her corporate past and war-boosting present are good for America. But what can she do for the Super Rich?

Hillary is what we call a "blue chip stock". The payoff won't be spectacular, but it'll be reliable. George W. Bush was a show horse: huge dividends, surprise bonuses, and all that Connecticut-via-Texas brush-clearing glamour. Easy to love. But a canny investment strategy includes some workhorses too, and that's where Hillary comes in. True, she talks a progressive line on some issues�and she even believes a lot of it. But she started out as a Goldwater Girl, and we can overlook the appalling talk about universal health care as long as she maintains such deep and meaningful ties to the corporate elite. Plus, her husband brought us NAFTA and GATT, and though she has distanced herself from his legislation, we think she's friendly enough with our corporations to keep the door revolving. And as my friend Monet Oliver de Place notes, it's been Bush or Clinton or Clinton or Bush in the White House for so long, it'd be so much easier not to change the locks.

Four More Wars
Anyone endorsed by comedienne Ann Coulter is bound to offer some advantages to the avid warmonger. Ms. Clinton still stands by her vote for our war, and has avoided saying anything about a timeline for bringing all the troops home. Instead she says that within the first 60 days of her administration, she'd have a big meeting and start bringing troops home. No problem–bring one guy home and you've already started!

Block the Vote
Hillary has a whole section on her website deceptively titled "Strenghthening Our Democracy." Billionaires, this is code. The section is devoted to honest and open elections, complete with paper trails and a national holiday to make sure people can get to the polls. There are 482 billionaires in America, and 80 million voters. My math homework was always done for me by a team of professionals, but even with my rudimentary skills I can calculate that if all of us voted our interests, and all of them voted their interests, we'd lose. Every time. We can't leave these elections to chance! It's rig or lose!

Corporations Are People Too
Hillary was a proud member of the Wal-Mart Board of Directors from 1986-1992, smiling benevolently as other members called unions "blood-sucking parasites." "I'm always proud of Wal-Mart and what we do and the way we do it better than anybody else," she gushed at a 1990 board meeting. That kind of loyalty can't be bought… Oh wait, yes it can.

One Dollar, One Vote

Unlike certain finicky Democratic candidates, Hillary loves to take PAC money. She's accepted hundreds of thousands of dollars from companies like Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, and Pfizer�in fact, she's taken more money from Big Pharma than anyone else in the Senate! Talk about an apple a day. Of course, she says she's not at all influenced by lobbyists even though she takes their money. Just like me with Mumsie and Daddykins' billions.

Destroying Public Services
Madame Clinton is not the plutocrat's pal in this category. Her support for quality public education is grossly apparent, and she's proposed a universal health care plan that seems like it might actually work. Prescription: In case of a Hillary Administration, carry a few extra congressmen in your pocket to counteract any harmful legislation.

Who's Media? Our Media

Clinton is clearly a fan of media consolidation, at least on a personal level�just consider her "caught on tape" conversation with Edwards about excluding other candidates from televised debates. Plus she's cozy with Rupert Murdoch, and she's accepted millions of dollars in donations from the media and telecom industry�how about a little Return On Investment, Hill? Close your eyes, and you can hear the investors chanting: R-O-I…R-O-I…R-O-I…

Super Tuesday can be a confusing time for a billionaire — all those unwashed middle classers rushing around in their tacky four-door cars, trying to get to the polls as if their votes matter in some way. It's far better to just stay at home and do more research on which candidate works best for America's top 1%! Today we take a look at Mitt Romney, who is by far the shiniest candidate yet. And we do love shiny things…

Mitt Romney is the Billionaire candidate�s candidate. He�s spent at least $35.4 million of his own money on his campaign, fully embracing the maxim, �if you can�t win it-buy it!� He supports perma-war in Iraq, he lurves Big Business, and he knows personally what it�s like to struggle with decisions like, �Fois gras, or a rejuvenating spa holiday on Saint Barts?–Oh, who are we kidding, let�s have both!� Plus he gets the coveted Reagan Hairdo Award. We love that evil landlord look. Get your brokers on the phone, Billionaires: Mitt could be just what your private physician ordered.

One of Us

Talk about a plutocratic pedigree. Willard Mitt Romney was named after his father�s best friend: J. Willard Marriott. As in the billionaire who founded Marriott Hotels. Mittens has always had enough money to literally roll around in it. (Who doesn�t love a roll in the cash? Especially wearing those special undergarments.) He�s still a mere multi-millionaire, though, so he�s likely to be a loyal lapdog. Just like George W. Bush, whose whole �CEO President� thing has turned out positively ducky. For us, anyway.

No Justice? No Problem!

Romney is truly an innovator when it comes to trampling on workers� rights in the pursuit of profit. He co-founded Bain Capital in 1984, and headed their leveraged buyout juggernaut for fourteen years. In one instance, Bain acquired a paper products company called SCM, fired its entire workforce, and then offered to hire them back at reduced wages. Take the deal or don�t have a job. Free market capitalism is all about choice.

Destroying Public Services

Mitt is eager to give the SCM treatment to the federal government. He says on his website, "I had occasions to be in the turnaround business� And I'd like to get my hands on Washington. It needs to be taken completely apart, with every program and agency evaluated for effectiveness and efficiency.� Turn around, America, �cause Mitt�s about to give you the business!

Wealth Care, Not Health Care

Romney wants to deregulate the health insurance industry, which sounds like more fun than a barrel of monkeys to us! And we must mention our favorite line from his quip-filled website: �Stop The Free-Riders. Use some of the money currently spent on providing expensive �free care� for the uninsured at emergency rooms to instead help the truly needy buy private insurance.� All you falsely-needy emergency room queens take note!

Bring back Indentured Servitude
Romney is a strong supporter of strict controls on illegal immigration, calling for a 700-mile fence along the US-Mexico border. And he�s taken this stance while hiring illegal immigrants to manicure the lawn of his luxurious Massachusetts estate. Sounds like he really understands what�s best for America.

Tax Wages, Not Wealth

Our boy Mitt is right on board when it comes to taxes. He wants to keep the Bush tax cuts for the Wealthiest 1%, repeal the Dynasty Tax, and lower the corporate tax rate. Remember�using massive tax dodges and offshore tax shelters to shove the tax burden onto the back of the little guy is just a start. Until the little guy can afford his own lobbyist, guess he�ll just have to take what we give him. Bon Appetit, Little Guy!

What Have the Caribou Done for You Lately?

We like a candidate who doesn�t worry too much about the environment. And by �doesn�t worry too much,� we mean, �is ready to trash it.� Romners is gung ho to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. However, he did raise an eyebrow earlier this campaign season when Fred Thompson endorsed drilling in the Everglades. Come on Mitt, what�s the problem? If you love those endangered Florida crocodiles so much, why don�t you marry them?

Faith and Politics

Who cares? All we want to know is what he can do for the Billionaires.

Disclaimer: the following post contains graphic progressivism, and content which may not be suitable for all Billionaires. Read on at your own risk.

Before we say goodbye to white trash pretty boy John Edwards' gleaming smile and terrifying talk of **shudder** "One America," let's take a closer look at the only Democratic candidate who embraced a truly progressive agenda. If you believe in government of, by, and for the corporations, then John Edwards is wrong, wrong, wrong for you. Thank goodness reason seems to have prevailed, and as his polls go south, we expect him to take himself and all his high-minded, munificent ideas back down South as well.

One of Us

He's not one of us, but he still has millions of dollars! He really believes in economic justice, his father was a mill-worker, and his lifetime of hard work and public service has brought him tremendous success. How can the system have failed us like this?

One Dollar, One Vote

At a town hall in New Hampshire Edwards said, "if you really believe in democracy, we ought to publicly finance our campaigns." He wants to kick the Billionaires out of campaign finance, and stop lobbyists from giving money and gifts to politicians! Sweet fancy moses, what would we do?

Four More Wars!

Edwards