Enjoy these last few moments of not having very specific knowledge of John Edwards's sex life, because the Daily Beast has tracked down a number of people who have seen his and Rielle Hunter's soon-to-available-everywhere (I'm certain) sex tape, and all of your precious ignorance is about to be drained right… about… now…

One source who has a medical background and has worked with pregnant patients says Hunter appears four or five months pregnant based on the swollen state of her belly and nipples. This would place the tape's filming somewhere around September or October of 2007, smack in the middle of Edwards campaign for the presidency.

On the video, both participants are naked. Hunter is propped up against the hotel bed headboard, with John Edwards belly-down on the bed between her legs. As Hunter, the campaign's official videographer, holds the camera, a smiling Edwards performs oral sex. Because of the camera angle, Hunter's face is not visible, but her distinctive jewelry is. Not only does candidate Edwards know he's being filmed, one source says, he's also clowning around and "graphically performing for the camera."

Clowning around and "graphically performing for the camera"? And all just a few months before the primary season began? I'm sure that there's some way we can spin this. How about…

He was just rehearsing his silver-tongue to show the American people how excited he was to serve them.

Apparently, it's the Republican ticket.

I'm not sure that's a good fit. Jonathan Sharkey seems like an obvious Libertarian to me. (Though, he's probably trying to distance himself from the crazies.)

And here is where the obvious Alan Keyes joke goes, I suppose.

(via BuzzFeed)

"I expect to suffer public humiliation and embarrassment."

It is refreshing to see a politician with such reasonable expectations for the future.

In celebration, we've decided to unload our collection of the best Daily Show messin' with Texas moments into this here ceiling while jumpin' around from leg to leg and yelpin' "Yeeehaaaw!" at the top of our lungs, as is our understanding of Texas culture that we have accurately gleaned from cartoons…

August 17, 2004: Don't Mess With Don't Mess With Texas

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

March 30, 2009: Borderline Cops

May 9, 2005: No Child's Sweet Behind

February 27, 2007: Loathe Thy Neighbor

January 10, 2006: Ready, Willing and Cable

March 15, 2005: Kill Phil

September 27, 2005: Oil Vey!

August 21, 2003: Runaway for the Border

April 21, 2004: Comfortably Dumb

September 26, 2005: Rita's Digest

March 13, 2003: Death Row Disappointment

If Gene Shalit were alive (is Gene Shalit alive?), he'd probably say something like, "Ready, Aim, FIORINA! You'll be executed for crimes committed against humanity after you go BALLOON-y for this film!"

Good for you, Texas! You did it!

A lot of people thought that you couldn't possibly legislate your way into a completely alternative reality than the rest of the world with just a little gumption and a fair share of prayer to Bronze Age Middle Eastern deities, but not me! I always had faith in you!

And you did not prove me wrong…

After three days of turbulent meetings, the Texas Board of Education on Friday voted to approve a social studies curriculum that will put a conservative stamp on history and economics textbooks, stressing the superiority of American capitalism, questioning the Founding Father’s commitment to a purely secular government and presenting Republican political philosophies in a more positive light…

The conservative members maintain that they are trying to correct what they see as a liberal bias among the teachers who proposed the curriculum. To that end, they made dozens of minor changes aimed at calling into question, among other things, concepts like the separation of church and state and the secular nature of the American Revolution…

They also included a plank to ensure that students learn about "the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s, including Phyllis Schalfly, the Contract With America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority and the National Rifle Association."

Great ideas all around. I've always said that we need more information about the NRA in our schoolbooks. Don't you feel like you had a dangerously low amount of semi-automatic rifle learnin' back in grade school? (Yes, you do, obviously.)

Oh, and that's not all! The Texas BOE also voted to keep out references to deviants like transvestites, transsexuals and Thomas Jefferson. It's about time someone booted that old queen, am I right. (Yes, of course I am, obviously.)

Oh, I'm sure your liberal academic history books won't tell you the story of George Washington crossing the Bengal Tiger, now, will it?

I didn't think so. Figures.

(via The Daily What)

But that Glenn Beck, he's a different story! He's the King of Comparing Nazi-Sanctioned Pogroms Against Jews to Protesters Protesting Bankers' Bonuses!

Oh! So that's how political science works. It's just like Thomas the Train! Except a dumbed-down version.

I guess that the real take-away message is that fear over economic collapse leads to racists renting space in Madison Square Garden. Wait, what? I've really lost the thread of this. Why did I make myself watch this? Do yourself a favor and don't have watched that.

There is one good bit, though…

"If you add two elements, fear and hunger, people will listen to anybody who says I have the answer… When I say anybody, I mean anybody."

You don't say.

…and ColoRADICAL…

Know what I mean?

(via The Daily What)

But, if you're not willing to hand that information over to the communists just yet, you can get an general idea of it here…

(via Tobey Farts)

No, today they just cancel the whole prom…

The Itawamba County [Mississippi] school district's board decided Wednesday to drop the prom because of what it called recent distractions but without specifically mentioning the girl's request, which was backed by the American Civil Liberties Union.

The student, 18-year-old high school senior Constance McMillen, said the cancellation was retaliation for her efforts to bring her girlfriend, also a student, to the April 2 dance.

You know, though, you really can't blame the Itawamba County school board for this. This is just the sensible thing to do. Like, let's say they allow this girl to attend the prom with her homosexual lesbian sapphic girlfriend and then an earthquake happened in, I don't know, Guam or something. Then, who would everybody be pointing their fingers at? Yep. Itawamba County school board is just covering their asses.

But do you know who I feel sorry for in all this? (Besides the Itawamba County school board, I mean.) This poor girl. Just imagine how she's dealing with the scorn thrust upon her by her peers for her lesbian ways and their baleful consequences. She must be inconsolable after having gone through this ordeal so far…

"A bunch of kids at school are really going to hate me for this, so in a way it's really retaliation," McMillen told The Clarion-Ledger of Jackson.

Somehow, I think she'll get through this okay. I've just got a feeling.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Here's the film's synopsis from the website…

Heavy Metal in Baghdad is a feature film documentary that follows the Iraqi heavy metal band Acrassicauda from the fall of Saddam Hussein in 2003 to the present day. Playing heavy metal in a Muslim country has always been a difficult (if not impossible) proposition but after Saddam’s regime was toppled, there was a brief moment for the band in which real freedom seemed possible.

That hope was quickly dashed as their country fell into a bloody insurgency. From 2003-2006, Iraq disintegrated around them while Acrassicauda struggled to stay together and stay alive, always refusing to let their heavy metal dreams die.

Snooze! That story's been told a million times. As a matter of fact, I think that most of that synopsis was lifted from Dokken's wikipedia page.

The Daily Show and Colbert Report air Monday through Thursday starting at 11pm / 10c.

Stephen Colbert probes this important issue after the jump…

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) pledged on Wednesday to take a serious look at revising the filibuster rules at the beginning of the next Congress, calling the current level of obstruction in the Senate unacceptable.

First of all, no you're not, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. This is a nice sentiment, and it's fun to make promises and all, but you and all of everybody in the world knows that "at the beginning of the next Congress," you're going to be cleaning the dead opossums out of your pool in Nevada. Sorry to drop reality on Harry your fantasy camp, but somebody has to be the dick here.

But, hey, what's the harm in pretending. I yield the post to the Senate Majority Leader (for now)…

"The filibuster has been abused. I believe that the Senate should be different than the House and will continue to be different than the House," Reid said. "But we're going to take a look at the filibuster. Next Congress, we're going to take a look at it. We are likely [Ed note: read as "unlikely"] to have to make some changes in it, because the Republicans have abused that just like the spitball was abused in baseball and the four-corner offense was abused in basketball."

Reid's embrace of filibuster reform comes after he previously threw cold water on the likelihood of getting the rules changed. His reference to the "next Congress" stands out. To change Senate rules in the middle of the session requires 67 votes, which Democrats clearly don't have. But changing the rules at the beginning of the 112th Congress will require the chair to declare the Senate is in a new session and can legally draft new rules. That ruling would be made by Vice President Joe Biden, who has spoken out against the current abuse of the filibuster. The ruling can be appealed, but that appeal can be defeated with a simple majority vote.

"A simple majority vote," you say? Hmmmm… I see…  I'm sorry, but I am completely unfamiliar with such a concept.

Understand? You will (kinda)…

(via The Daily What)

Salon's Alex Koppelman responds to Moulitsas's response by quoting — right from the congressperson's own website — all the good super-idealistic legislation that Kucinich has introduced to Congress these past 13 years…

"In Congress, Kucinich has authored and co-sponsored legislation to create a national health care system, preserve Social Security, lower the costs of prescription drugs, provide economic development through infrastructure improvements, abolish the death penalty, provide universal prekindergarten to all 3, 4, and 5 year olds, create a Department of Peace, regulate genetically engineered foods, repeal the USA PATRIOT Act, and provide tax relief to working class families."

Notice that the bio never actually says whether any of that legislation actually passed. In fact, according to the web site GovTrack, of the 97 bills Kucinich has sponsored since taking office in 1997, only three have become law. 93 didn't even make it out of committee.

Yeah, but I'll have you know that according to the rules of quantum physics (as I understand them) those 93 bills are doing fantastically well in some alternate universe somewhere.

Amen…

What concerns me the most about the prospect of Porter's prayers ever being granted is what it would for the porn industry. I don't like the idea of conservative Christians controlling the porn that I watch.

Mostly because I don't like gay porn.

.

^{* Q: Why was Adam a famous runner? A: Because he was first in the human race.}

But words don't need to be elitist. Let's take back words from the word-mongers! Let's re-brand them as something a little more manly, a little more American. Like, "info-grunts." Or "idehowls."

Stephen Colbert knows what I'm info-grunting about…

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.