We have exciting news for all of you who have been on tenterhooks (whatever that means) awaiting the results of the delegate race for the Northern Mariana Islands…

Gregorio Kilili Camacho Sablan will be going to Washington!

Sablan, an Independent, squeaked out a 357-vote victory over Republican Pedro A. Tenorio in a recount election that was finally decided last week.  He intends to caucus with the Democrats.

The Northern Marianas Islands (previously best known for housing Jack Abramoff's slave-fueled sweatshops) is thrilled to be sending a delegate to Congress for the first time ever.  Now, Sablan will get to join the ranks of delegates from the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and Guam in not being able to vote on legislation.  But at least they get to watch!

The only drawback will be Sablan's commute.  A Fox News reporter caught up to him on Saturday for an exclusive interview…

I asked Sablan how one gets to Washington from the Northern Mariana Islands. He took a four-hour flight from the capital of Saipan to Tokyo. Then boarded a Northwest flight to Detroit. Then hopped a direct flight to Washington.

"I've been traveling more than 24 hours," Sablan moaned.

Good luck with that one, Delegate!

John Kerry's had a bad four years.  First, he embarrassingly lost his race for the presidency to a man who would set records for being hated by Americans.  He nearly doomed the Democrats' chances of gains in the 2006 midterm elections by loudly insulting American troops.  Then his beloved France lost the World Cup to the Italians.

Now the news has come that Barack Obama has tapped Hillary Clinton as his Secretary of State, dashing Kerry's dreams of having some sort of relevance…

Democrats say he made no secret of his Foggy Bottom aspirations. “He’s crushed,” said one Senate aide. Kerry would have been a fine pick, sources say, but Obama apparently had his eye on Hillary Clinton since the early fall. He does get an impressive consolation prize: the chairmanship of the Foreign Relations Committee vacated by Joe Biden.

Well, at least Kerry will get to bang a gavel.  And this will give him time to devote to some of his favorite activities, like windsurfing, heli-skiing, and cheese-eating.

And sobbing.

Bill McInturff, John McCain's official pollster in his presidential campaign, was previously best known for his comically inaccurate assessments of public opinion leading up to the election. For instance, he called Pennsylvania for John McCain on November 2nd, despite the fact that McCain went on to lose it two days later by more than 11%. Oops!

Well, McInturff is back in the spotlight — this time for threatening the limbs of fellow Republican pollster and George W. Bush crony Frank Luntz in a speech yesterday…

Unrestrained by the formalities of the election, McInturff levied some sharps words at fellow GOPers who — generally speaking — never really were bullish on the idea of a McCain presidency. The most biting jabs were saved for communications guru Frank Luntz.

"I saw Frank Luntz," said McInturff, "who is a moron — I want to make sure this is clearly on the record — he was talking to Republican governors, making fun of John for not being able to use a BlackBerry. The man can't do it because he is much more disabled than people can imagine… I would like to take a hammer and start breaking bones in Frank's arms."

Strong words!

Luntz, of course, has been widely discredited as a partisan hack and has recently been reduced to pathetic name-dropping with foreign journalists. With the collapse of the Republican dominance of Washington, his prospects are dimmer than ever.

And now he has two broken arms to deal with.

California Congresswoman Linda Sanchez is pregnant! And before you ask — No, she isn't married. You got a problem with that, Ms. Manners?

Sanchez made the announcement yesterday, by granting an exclusive interview to the columnist Patt Morrison…

According to the column, Sanchez and her boyfriend of a year and half, Jim Sullivan, a public relations consultant, are "unofficially engaged." The baby is due May 21.

"I don't know how it'll be received," Sanchez told the L.A. Times columnist. "I hope people will recognize that to be able to plan that in your life — I don't think that marriage and childbirth are black and white. There are certain instances in which you have to do things in reverse order."

The 39-year-old Sanchez will be the first unwed mother ever in Congress. Needless to say, there have been plenty of congressmen who have fathered children out of wedlock. It's just easier for them to conceal their scandalous progeny (unless of course they get arrested for drunk driving while going to see them).

As for Sanchez's so-called "unofficial" fiancee, Jim Sullivan… He was last seen sneaking onto an outbound freight train with Levi Johnston.

I don't know much about California State Senator Tom McClintock, but it's pretty pathetic that he can't even eke out a solid victory over a cartoon character!

As ballots continue to be counted two weeks after Election Day, the Republican is just barely in the lead in his race against Charlie Brown!

Wait, what's that?  It's not that Charlie Brown?

OK, so maybe it's someone else, but McClintock should be more than 592 votes ahead of a Democrat in the heavily conservative 5th District of California.  The vote difference is close enough that both candidates went to DC this week to participate in freshman orientation on Capitol Hill…

Neither candidate has been declared a winner, but both Charlie Brown and Tom McClintock will be in Washington this week to attend freshman orientation for newly elected members of Congress.

Maybe they'll both show up this morning on the steps of the U.S. Capitol, when the newcomers pose for their official class photograph.

"That may be a collector's item," McClintock spokesman Bill George said Thursday.

We'll see how this one turns out.  Absentee and provisional ballots are still being counted and a recount seems likely.

In related news in Minnesota, Al Franken is faring well in his recount fight against The Riddler.

Joe Biden is 66 today. I expect that he's celebrating by doing all of his favorite things: riding on Amtrak, grinning like a maniac, inadvertently insulting his friends.

However, Barack Obama apparently didn't get the memo about the exact date of the Vice President-Elect's special day, because he was celebrating yesterday. With cupcakes.

Biden's birthday is Thursday, but Obama surprised his No. 2 after their weekly lunch Wednesday at the transition office in Chicago. According to staff, Obama presented Biden — a Delaware senator with decades of foreign policy experience — with a dozen cupcakes decorated with candles and teased, "You're 12 years old!"

Staff reported that Biden, ever astute in the art of politics, laughed at the his boss's joke. He responded: "Maybe in dog years!"

Obama led the rest of the staff in song, then handed over some Chicago-themed gifts: a White Sox cap, a Bears cap and a bucket of Garrett's popcorn, a hometown favorite.

So, really what Biden got was a reminder of what he has to look forward to for the next four years… a boss who forgets when his birthday is, makes lame jokes at his expense, gives him gifts that he's just going to take back anyway, and meets with him exactly once a week for an awkward lunch.

And no pinata.

(photo via CNN)