We know that November 3, 2009 isn't a real Election Day. But still, we can all pretend. Right? Take a look at these six elections and let us know how much you care.
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Wednesday night, the Funniest Celebrity in Washington contest went underway, and all of Washington's most famous celebrities people who are sometimes on C-SPAN competed to prove they are the funniest least boring person in Washington. The big winner of the night was Austan Goolsbee, an economist for the Obama administration. There's video of him yucking it up over here, but first Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber of New Lows (don't quit my day job, me), also performed stand-up! And there's video!
I'm not saying Joe's material is awful. I am just saying, as a plumber, shouldn't he be cleaning up shit rather than performing it?
Remember that bat-shit, insane election we just went through? Thank god everything now is totally sane, calm and rational. But there were still some loose ends left over from all the election insanity. Like Joe the Plumber. What ever happened to that guy?
Wurzelbacher, aka "Joe the Plumber," has signed on as one of the stand-up comedians performing at September's "Funniest Celebrity in Washington" contest. The competition, now in its 16th year, is an annual gathering of politicos — funny and not so funny — awkwardly attempting comedy.
To be fair, this is a contest specifically designed for politicians and people from the political world to dip their toes into another world. But to be unfair, Joe Wurzelbacher isn't part of the political world. Like at all. He's just some dude. Dude belongs in shitty open mics instead. This is also funny…
Last year, former Gov. Mike Huckabee took home top honors.
If you guys think I'm being politically biased, I AM NOT! All politicians are unfunny. Man of the Year was just a movie, people (I actually had to check IMDB to make sure it was a movie, because I, like most Americans, didn't go see it).
Some of you might remember that earlier this summer, Glenn Beck launched a comedy tour. I only mention it because this line from the New York Times review of the show is funny…
There’s some cognitive dissonance there: one of his big applause lines, which is also one of his few clearly stated points, is “we need to stop spending.” On everything except Glenn Beck’s books and DVDs, apparently.
When a New York Times writer gets a good zing in about your comedy show, maybe it's time to give up the jester hat.
It's been a few days since the beer summit, and it seems like most of the internet has already moved on to more pressing matters, like the Tiger Woods fart. We won't know where that fart came from until we see the fart certificate! That fart is not fit to be fart president! The mainstream media needs to interview Orly Toots about this. Anyway, this video from Landline TV proves there's still one last LOL to be had about the beer summit before we completely focus on Fartergate '09.
The current administration might be dragging its feet over gay marriage and Don't Ask, Don't Tell, but they are totally tolerant enough to ask gays over to hang out or something– as long as it doesn't get too gay.
…250 gay leaders are to join Mr. Obama in the East Room to commemorate publicly the 40th anniversary of the birth of the modern gay rights movement: a police raid on the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in New York. By contrast, the first time gay leaders were invited to the White House, in March 1977, they met a midlevel aide on a Saturday when the press and President Jimmy Carter were nowhere in sight.
To Jimmy Carter's defense, he was just avoiding having "lust in his heart."
Obama will meet with gay leaders this afternoon, hosting a reception, because if there's one gay stereotype I'm familiar with, it's that gay people think political receptions are faaaaabuuulooouuus!
After all, you gotta give the people what they want…
Gay leaders have increasingly complained about what they call Mr. Obama’s slow pace in fulfilling promises he made during his campaign. Some boycotted a Democratic Party fund-raiser recently to show their distress.
…as long as you don't give them what you promised.
Have you heard the good news? Jesus Christ died on the cross to absolve Barack Obama of his sins (smoking!). And now, finally, Obama has found the perfect church wherein he can pray to God Almighty so that middle America will continue thinking he believes in this claptrap.
Now, in an unexpected move, Obama has told White House aides that instead of joining a congregation in Washington, D.C., he will follow in George W. Bush's footsteps and make his primary place of worship Evergreen Chapel, the nondenominational church at Camp David.
If the thought of President Obama having similarities to former President Bush makes you uncomfortable, at least rest assured, Obama isn't like Bush in any other way, shape, or form.
A number of factors drove the decision… but chief among them was the desire to worship without being on display. Obama was reportedly taken aback by the circus stirred up by his visit to 19th Street Baptist in January. Lines started forming three hours before the morning service, and many longtime members were literally left out in the cold…
Obama's religious beliefs are obviously a private matter, which he doesn't want to flaunt. After all, a president's spirituality is a close personal connection between God, the president, and the small army of reporters following at every step (like the twelve apostles).
Camp David's current chaplain, Lieut. Carey Cash, leads the services at Evergreen…The 38-year-old Memphis native is a graduate of the Citadel and the great-nephew of Johnny Cash.
I hear Lieut. Carey Cash is so badass he once blessed a man in Reno just to watch him die and go to heaven. Disregarding my cynicism and snarkiness, I sincerely hope Barack Obama racks up all the spiritual points so he won't have to go through a "ring of fire" in hell (sorry!).
[Update: I just got word that TIME magazine is a fucking liar. According to the White House, Barack Obama will follow in the footsteps of all Godless liberals and continue refusing to join a church.]
I didn't know you were allowed to apologize to someone while simultaneously making them look like a moron, but David Letterman did just that.
On Tuesday's episode of Late Show, Letterman joked about Alex Rodriguez knocking up Bristol Palin. Apparently, Sarah Palin was insulted that Letterman would exploit her children, because only she's allowed to do that. And now, on last night's episode, Letterman "apologized," but really just used the occasion to prove he is a genius…
For Dave, mea-culpa is just another way to say you're-an-idiot. He should run for vice president of fake apologizing.
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Remember that bat-shit, insane election we just went through? Thank god everything now is totally 
The current administration might be dragging its feet over gay marriage and Don't Ask, Don't Tell, but they are totally tolerant enough to ask gays over to 
Have you heard the good news? Jesus Christ died on the cross to absolve Barack Obama of his sins (smoking!). And now, finally, Obama has 
