Folks, this is exactly what our president is going through right now, which is why we suggest he send these Valentines to make it up to the poor, jilted Republicans in Congress:

(Thanks to Angela Inferrera on the design and Photoshoppin'. More Valentines after the jump).

Robert Gibbs Overweight Seahorse

Ambiguously Still Bitter About Not Being President Hillary Clinton Red-Nosed Thing

Second Tier Republican Cabinet Secretaries

Eric Holder and Stephen Chu Gay Bears

Huge Monkey Asshole Larry Summers

So many many choices! What to do?

Well, don't you worry yourself no more, because we've got a simple, easy-to-follow flow chart right here to answer all your question. Minimal thinking required…

Do you want to read the whole thing?

Yes!
No. (Just fucking read it.)

You're driving through West Plains, Missouri, like you always do, and you come across this billboard, which was clearly designed by the same artist who wanted to brighten up your breakfast with this. And naturally, you're still having trouble deciding whether Barack Obama is an "Arab" or not. So, we thought it was time to remind you of this handy guide we found in the bathroom at Swifty's Swiftboatery Inn and Swiftboatorium:

* If you greet your wife fist-to-fist instead of open palm-to-open palm, you might be a Muslim.

* If you want to turn the USA into a terrorist paradise with universal terrorist healthcare and college tuition credits for every terrorist, you might be a Muslim.

* If you have ever not punched a gay person you totally could have punched, you might be a Muslim.

* If you lob inspiring platitudes like hand grenades, you might be a Muslim.

* If you have talked to a Muslim, you might be a Muslim.

* If young people aren't immediately revulsed by your craggy, translucent skin and creepy old man giggle, you might be a Muslim.

* If you go to a Christian church that has a crazy pastor, you might be a Muslim.

* If you're black and running for president, you might be a Muslim.

Of course, this is all Obama has ever wanted. President of the Harvard Law Review, civil rights attorney, junior senator from Illinois…this is clearly the path to the flash-popping life of a political socialite.

Yes, it looked like the media was going to come all over Obama indefinitely. And then, a few weeks ago, everything changed. A new hotness from Alaska came along with her hair and her glasses and her hair, and lured the paparazzi away, reducing the former media messiah to a mere footnote:

Soon, like all celebrity has-beens, Obama was forced to get attention any way he could:

But Obama soon figured out how to build back his cred — by getting a buzz going, and being seen with the right people:

Until finally, he hit it big once again:

If the profound, overwhelming panic in Matt Lauer's eyes when he covers the stock market crisis is any indication, Barack Obama's plan to raise the taxes of those who make more than $250,000 a year is probably making the very very rich start to shake in their Prada loafers. And since so many people in that tax bracket are regular readers of Indecision, we offer some solace in this guide on how to survive if Obama gets elected:

* Charitable contributions are tax deductable. An Obama presidency would be a perfect opportunity to ramp up support for your favorite conservative charities, like "Billionaires Against the Poor," or "Exxon."

* Invest in blue chip commodities that maintain a steady demand over macro time intervals, such as cookies and sex.

* Move to a rural community to increase your relative wealth. The same $14 million that bought your modest TriBeCa brownstone can buy you the right to hunt, trap and murder the entire population of Pumphrey, Texas with no legal repercussions.

* Shelter your assets in fictional offshore tax havens like Treasure, Temptation and Gilligan's Islands.

* If you're a supervillain, ask yourself when the last time your goons were able to execute one simple task was. If the answer is, "Never, you fools," cut payroll by 50%.

* Try living comfortably with less by trading in your giant fucking yacht for a medium fucking yacht.

* Ask yourself: are you really so concerned that your legacy lives on into the next generation that you're willing to throw all your money away trying to make it so? If not, stop financially supporting your kids.

…sensibly graced the covers of Vogue, Time, OK!, US Weekly and The National Enquirer;

…homespun-edly pulled down the highest ratings of anyone in convention coverage history;

…industriously turned Joe Biden into the drama-free vice presidential candidate;

…rolled up her sleeves to make millions for hard-working lens manufacturers;

…and inspired a line of super hero/school girl action figures, just like your grandma from Kenosha.

Yep, it's a good thing Sarah Palin is just a down-to-Earth hockey mom and not a celebrity, like Barack Obama.

As you know, famous people who share birthdays always celebrate those birthdays together. With that in mind, we take you now to Senator Barack Obama's birthday festivities:

[Scene: a press conference]

Helen Thomas: Senator Obama, why has your campaign accepted the Republican frame that the drilling issue is about lowering gas prices instead of facing reality and acknowledging that what we're dealing with here is yet another giant land grab by the major U.S. oil companies?

Barack Obama: Oh, come on Helen, loosen up. It's time for our birthday party!

[Cut to: the drawing room, filled with people who were born on August 4th, making small talk. The soulful yet melancholy trumpeting of Louis Armstrong is heard in the distance. Obama and Thomas enter]

Helen Thomas: Nice turnout! It's good to see Wesley Snipes out and about.

Pieter Coecke van Aelst: Hello, the late Queen Mum!

Queen Mother: Hello, Pieter Coecke van Aelst! Are you enjoying the Flemish summer? And how is your painting/carpet design work going?

Pieter Coecke van Aelst: Splendidly. By the by, when did you die?

Queen Mother: 2002. And you?

Pieter Coecke van Aelst: 1554. Ah, Roger Clemens, I must tell you, your fastball is most impressive!

Helen Thomas: Yes, you certainly bring the heat.

Richard Belzer: Check, please!

Roger Clemens: Thank you very much. If there are three things I love in life, they are steroids, my August 4th birthday and playing baseball.

Patrick Ewing: Did somebody say basketball?

Roger Clemens: Get out of here, Patrick Ewing, your birthday is not until August 5th!

Queen Mum: The Knicks were a better team without you, Patrick Ewing!

Roger Clemens: Yeah, totally! Hit the road!

[Clemens escorts Ewing out]

Yasser Arafat: Whew! Sorry about that. I don't know how he got in here. Would anyone like a canapé?

Barack Obama: Hey, Arafat, could you take it over to the East Wing? It's not good for me to be seen with you.

Richard Belzer: He's dead, babe.

Barack Obama: Even if.

[Ohio Governor Ted Strickland enters]

Ted Strickland: Konnichiwa bitches!

Everybody: GOVERNOR TED STRICKLAND! Now the party can REALLY start! Woo!

[Blackout]

John McCain implicitly compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton in his latest attack ad. But is that really a fair comparison? We thought long and hard about Paris Hilton's…qualities…to see if any of them really match up with Obama's, or those of any other politician. And here's what we came up with:

Statuesque blonde Joe Lieberman	Promiscuous Larry Craig	Relentlessly self-promoting Barack Obama
Attempted acting Fred Thompson	Wears too much makeup Chris Dodd	Attempted singing Trent Lott, John Ashcroft, Larry Craig, Jim Jeffords
Won the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Award for "Best Scream" Howard Dean	Spent time as a prisoner John McCain	Dog wrote a memoir George W. Bush

So, there was a little problem with some Obama buttons in Idaho. The buttons were supposed to feature Idaho Democratic Senate candidate Larry LaRocco riding on Obama's coattails, but used a picture of Republican senatorial punchline Larry Craig instead.

Hey, it's an honest mistake. In fact, we found some other Obama buttons that also had to be scrapped at the last minute: