Indecision Forever » Katie Halper

Greta Van Susteren vs. Ana Marie Cox: Ideological Strangers on a Train?

Katie Halper — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 17:19:03 +0000

Over the past few weeks, we've explored the sibling rivalry between television/radio correspondents and bloggers. But what better way to end this feature than with an inspiring story which shows us how blogger-correspondent collaboration can literally save lives…

It seemed like any other Amtrak train on any other crisp April night. But it very much was not. Greta Von Susteren and her husband were aboard the DC-NY Amtrak train, when, all of a sudden, Von Susteren's husband, John Coale, heard a frightening sound, and nudged his wife to attention. Greta recognized the sound and knew it was one thing and one thing only: a food allergy attack. Herself a food allergic individual, Greta knew what she needed to do. Armed with a bendaryl tablet, Von Susteren ran to the rescue of the would-be victim and bravely administered the antihistamine.

The saved allergy-sufferer recalls the "indescribably terrifying" attack and the soothing words of her savior. "She was like 'I think I know what is happening to you. Don't worry about it. We're going to get you a Benadryl'." Though she'll never know for sure, the Benadryl recipient suspects that without the interVontion, "It would have been a thousand times worse." Greta claims, "I didn't do anything heroic. I did what anyone would have done." Maybe anyone would have done this.

But the person Von Susteren saved wasn't just anyone. She was none other than "far-left person" Ana Marie Cox.

The Fox News correspondent's actions were so brave Bill O'Reilly knighted Von Susteren a "Patriot" and stated that "Ironically, Miss Cox, a far-left person, now may owe her life to the Fox News Channel." Destiny (or bladder control) intervened once again, a month later when the two ran into each other, a month later, in the ladies room at White House Correspondents' Association dinner. Amidst the sound of hand blow dryers and flushing toilets, Cox uttered the following words: "Thank you for saving my life."

These women certainly have their differences (see chart below). But they were able to put them aside.

	Greta Von Susteren	Ana Marie Cox
Number of names	two to three	two to three
Disclosed Cosmetic Surgery	yes, an eye lift	no
Religion	Scientology	Twitter
Can be found…	on Fox	on Rachel Maddow
Education	Georgetown Law Grad	Wonkette Emeritus

Imagine how many lives could be saved through correspondent-blogger collaboration! What if they put down their weapons — their pens, their handheld devices aimed to tweet, their scripts — with which they fight each other, and instead, pick up a Benadyrl and Epipen and unite around the common enemy of food allergies.

How many people die each day, nameless casualties of blogger on blogger, correspondent on correspondent, and blogger on correspondent, correspondent on blogger violence? If this story shows us anything — anything at all — it is that the world will be a better and safer place if we bridge the gaps that threaten to separate us, and refrain from ordering Amtrak's lentil salad.

Michelle Malkin vs. Pat Buchanan: Can You Tell the Difference?

Katie Halper — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 23:06:58 +0000

She's half his age. He's twice her size. She's (much to her chagrin) Asian-American. He's as American as it gets (without actually being Native American and discounting his Irish immigrant ancestry.) Yet, in some ways, this femme fatale blogger and alpha male TV talker are very much alike. See if you can tell the difference between Michelle Malkin and Pat Buchanan.

No cheating! All cheaters will be deported.

Biography

Which one…

1. is related to Marilyn Manson

2. is Married to a Jew and posed with a swastika

3. is a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans

4. outed an intifada-supporting Food Network star

5. prefers old fashioned bigotry to affirmative action

6. got dressed in salad

7. would be flattered to be compared to Ann Coulter

8. has been on MSNBC, Fox News Channel, C-SPAN Both!

9. advised a serving U.S. President to burn evidence

10. is a self-described "cat-fan," and winner of PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) "Strongest Backbone" award while described by an FBI agent as "sneaky," "dishonest," and "criminal

Bibliography

Which one wrote…

1. Churchill, Hitler, and "the Unnecessary War": how Britain lost its empire

2. The Death of the West: How Dying Populations and Iigrant Invasions Imperil Our Country and Civilization

3. Unhinged: Exposing Liberals Gone Wild

4. In Defense of Internment: The Case for "Racial Profiling" in World War II and the War On Terror

5. Invasion: How America Still Welcomes Terrorists, Criminals, and Other Foreign Menaces

6. State of Emergency: The Third World Invasion and Conquest of America

Quotations

Which one said…

1. "I'm a contra too."

2. "Bean-counting government bureaucrats are free to take race, ethnicity and gender into account when doling out public funds to non-white-male contractors. But God help law enforcement officers, air marshals and border agents who try to use those same factors to combat terrorism and protect American lives."

3. "We knew Chris Matthews had no shame. Now we also know the king of TV ghouls has no souls."

4. "'Darwinism' contains dogmas men may believe, but cannot stand the burden of proof, the acid of attack or the demands of science."

5. "The agenda Clinton & Clinton would impose on America — abortion on demand, a litmus test for the Supreme Court, homosexual rights."

6. "I'm American, for goodness' sake."

Answers after the jump.

Read more of Katie Halper's political commentary on Katie Halper Dot Com.

* * *

Answers

Biography: 1. PB, 2. M M, 3. PB, 4. MM, 5. PB, 6. PB, 7. MM, 8. Both!, 9. PB, 10. P B *

Bibilography: 1. PB, 2. PB, 3. MM, 4. MM, 5. MM, 6. PB

Quotations: 1. PB, 2. MM, 3. MM, 4. PB, 5. PB, 6. MM

Meghan McCain vs. Liz Cheney: Who Will Be the Next Ms. GOP?

Katie Halper — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 21:43:17 +0000

The Battle Between the Blond-Haired, Blue-Eyed Daughters of the Republican Men Who Would Be President

Who will dethrone Ann Coulter and become the next blond-haired, blue-eyed white female face of the GOP?

Will it be the tattoo-donning, dressed in black, fan of punk music, twitter fanatic, pro sex, pro gay marriage, pro life, rabble rousing reformer, daughter of a maverick, Meghan McCain? Or will it be the tattoo-free, pastels clad, old school, water-boarding-enthusiast, married-with-children, daughter of of a water-boarding enthusiast Liz Cheney?

Let's take a look at how the two stack up…

	Meghan McCain	Liz Cheney
Sign	Libra/Scorpio (on the cusp)	Leo
Shade of Blond	Platinum	Ash
Current Bangs Status (CBS) and what they tell us	Meghan is in with the new and out with the old. She's modern and her bangs are too. They're long, dynamic, fluid and trendy	Cheney is a traditionalist and has the same exact hairstyle she did in 1978. (Actually, all four Cheneys stick to their roots when it comes to hairstyles.) They're short, full and were trendy in 1978.
Tattoos	One, a star on her foot, which she talks about a lot. Had her father won in New Hampshire, Meghan would have gotten a "Live Free or Die" tattoo.	None that we know of.
They Heart	Twitter (unlike her father, who prefers "a google")	Torture (just like her father)
Nicknames	Maverequette, the blond one	Warriorette, the family friendly one, babydick

Daughter of a Vietnam War…	POW (You may have missed this, but John McCain was held captive for five and a half years in Vietnam.)	Draft Dodger (Dick Cheney applied for draft exceptions five times. Dick explains he "had other priorities." Lucky for him, the 58,000 Americans who died and 2.8 million American soldiers who fought in Vietnam, had no scheduling conflicts.)
Was born…	Two months after attending a Republican National Convention: "The first political convention I ever attended was when my mom was pregnant with me…."	Nine months after the military announced that men with children would be exempt from the draft.
May suffer from bad tempers	If she's anything like her father, Meghan could wind up calling someone the "C word."	If she's anything like her father, Liz could wind up shooting someone in the face.
"Some of my best friends/ relatives are gay"	Meghan is a major FOG (Friend of the Gays). She says, "Of all the causes I believe in and speak publicly about, this is one of the ones closest to my heart."She doesn't just talk the talk, she walks the walk. She even sacrificed a baby elephant and fasted in order to protest Prop 8. She even sent the GOP a memo telling them to "go gay." She even outed herself during a speech at the Log Cabin Republicans' national convention where she even said: "I have lots of gay friends." I wonder if her gay friends are friends with Sarah Palin's gay friends. I bet they, at least, know each other. Politico, famous for having its finger on the gay pulse, considers Meghan to be a "new gay icon?" (a gay-con)	Liz Cheney's sister, Mary, is a lesbian. In fact, Liz comes from a long line of gay friendly people. Now that he's no longer the unofficial president of an administration which supported a constitutional ban on gay marriage, Dick Cheney announced he is A OK with gay marriage. And mother Lynne wrote the lesbian erotic novel Sisters. Sadly, the 19th century frontier-themed novel is out of print. It's been so long, Lynne claims she doesn't even "remember the plot." Here's a sample to jog Lynne's memory and pique your interest: "Helen, my joy and my beloved, Why do we stay? Let us go away together, away from the anger and imperatives of men… There will be only the two of us, and we shall linger through long afternoons of sweet retirement. In the evenings I shall read to you while you work your cross-stitch in the firelight. And then we shall go to bed, our bed, my dearest girl…"
They are their sisters' speakers	Meghan gets a lot more face time than her younger sister, Bridget. Perhaps the McCains feared that their daughter, who was adopted from a Bangladesh orphanage, would be smeared, yet again, as a black illegitimate child as she was during McCain 2000 bid for president. Keeping Bridget out of the limelight hides the racist elements of the GOP from Bridget and hides Bridget from the GOP racists elements. It's a win-win situation.	Sister Mary's "cross-stitching" tendencies make her a less than ideal poster daughter for the a GOP politician. She was absent from many events and photo ops. I guess it's less offensive than photo-shopping her out. Even Lynne, who clearly has love for the lesbians, knew her daughter's Sapphic ways posed a threat to her husband's political career, which is probably why she denied her daughter was a lesbian years after Mary had come out to the fam.
The Rushometer Rating	Rush Limbaugh thinks she sucks. He wanted Arlen Specter to take Meghan with him on his way out of the RNC.	Rush Limbaugh thinks she rocks: "She's got guts and courage… she's on fire… she's a warrior, a warriorette."
Clever punsters	Despite her Democratic tendencies, Meghan defends her Republican identity, responding to Rush via Twitter, "RED TIL I'M DEAD BABY."	Cheney worked for her father's "boss" W. and announced the "W Stands for Women" initiative to target female voters.
Sexual position	All for it gay or straight. Meghan McCain describes herself as "pro sex" (but she's still a lady, which is, presumably why she wouldn't lick Stephen Colbert's face.) She complains that "Daughters of Republican politicians aren't expected to have sex, let alone enjoy it-as if there were some strange chastity belt automatically attached to us female offspring." Meghan is such a radical pro sex-ist, she thinks that abstinence-only education doesn't work. "Here's what I've never understood about the party: its resistance to discussing better access to birth control. As a Republican, I am pro-life. But using birth control and having an abortion are not the same at all." Bristol Palin, and her baby Tripp, would beg to differ.	Goes both ways: Liz simultaneously claims that "freedom means freedom for everybody" and "it's important to make the decision on a state by state basis. This argument, of course, echos the logic used by abolitionists who wanted freedom of slaves to be determined on a state by state basis. (Well, these people would technically not be abolitionists, but. whatever, Liz is still a freedom fighter.)Not sure what her official stance on abstinence is, but thanks to her exotically-named children Kate, Elizabeth, Grace, Richard and narcissistically-named kids Philip and Elizabeth, we do know that Liz does not practice marital abstinence, or has managed to break the "strange chastity belt" attached to Republicans' daughters at least 5 times.

Prediction: Based on the above evidence, the endorsement by King of the GOP Rush Limbaugh, and Meghan's criticism of reining GOP queen Ann Coulter, a Liz Cheney Coronation seems likely.

Read more of Katie Halper's political commentary on Katie Halper Dot Com.

Nate Silver & Karl Rove: What Are the Odds?

Katie Halper — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 21:47:23 +0000

A numerological statistical analysis of the numerical compatibility between number crunching geeks Nate Silver and Karl Rove

While Rove is a Republican spin doctor and Silver a "rational progressive," there is substantial and surprising overlap between the two.

	Nate Silver	Karl Rove
Sign 100% match	Capricorn	Capricorn
Nick Name 75% match	Poblano, Numbers Machine, genius, "the human abacus" and "the guy who taught numbers how to fuck"	Boy Genius, Turdblossom
Appearance 50 % match	cute, blue eyes, wears hipster (50% nerdy) glasses 50% of the time	fugly, blue eyes, wears 100% nerdy glasses 100% of the time
Interests 60% match	Baseball, counting, high school debate team	MC rove-ing, high school debate team
Popularity 98.5% match	"There's a 97.3% chance that Nate Silver is Totally My Boyfriend" said page. 97.3%	In order to win the high school senate race, Rove was driven into the school gym in a convertible, seated between two pretty girls. 20% if consensual 10% if paid -100% if forced
Childhood Geek Level 100% match	According to his father, Silver "was a numbers fanatic…. When we took him to preschool one time, we dropped him off, and he announced, 'Today, I'm a numbers machine,' and started counting…. When we picked him up two and a half hours later, he was 'Two thousand one hundred and twenty-two, two thousand one hundred and twenty-three…' " = 100%	Rove said "I was the complete nerd. I had the briefcase. I had the pocket protector. I wore Hush Puppies when they were not cool. I was the thin, scrawny little guy. I was definitely uncool." =100%
Current Geek Level 100% match	See above - at preschool + at home = 100%	See above -"thin, scrawny little guy" + full figured = 100%
2008 Election Prediction ??% match* ??% accuracy	Obama: 349 McCain: 189	Obama: 338 McCain: 200

^{* Nate Silver, if you're reading this, could you please calculate these?}

Based on their surprisingly high commonality levels, I tested their compatibility and determined that, based on numerology, the two have a compatibility of between 25 and 79%. As a control, I used both the subjects' given full names as well as the names they go by…

The following chart is a polychromatic demonstration of the Rove-Silver compatibility range…

I also looked at their compatibility level as a function of their astrological signs. These tests are less reliable than the love computers, and are qualitative and not quantitative. Astrological Compatibility Analysis (ACA) predicts a much lower compatibility, foreseeing that "this relationship lacks stimulation. You are both far too cautious, frugal and self-righteous to last."…

In conclusion, although it would depend on several contingencies, such as real data, the compatibility of Nate Silver and Karl Rove does, indeed, exist. Any further extrapolation would have to be done by Nate Silver.

Read more of Katie Halper's political commentary on Katie Halper Dot Com.

Kos & Bill-O: Hateful Rivalry or Homoerotic Obsession?

Katie Halper — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 22:27:03 +0000

The newspaper is dying, slowly but surely. But who is responsible for the murder? Is it the scrappy blogosphere? Or the saccharin world of TV/radio journalism? Is this a blogger-correspondent conspiracy? Over the next few days, I'll be investigating the relationship between bloggers and TV/radio correspondents to reveal to you a complex web of intrigue and passion.

	Markos Moulitsas Daily Kos	Bill O'Reilly The O'Reilly Factor
Sign	Libra	Virgo
Interests	Spending time with his two kids, drum circles, composting, burning flags, redistributing wealth	Showers, long phone conversations with colleagues
Secret Talent	Classical pianist / composer	Writing literary erotica, loofah / falafel massages
Type	Short, dark and handsome	Tall, pale and blotchy
Favorite Food	Pirates Booty (not cheetos!), vegan souvlaki pupusas, "bloggered eggs" (frozen embryos with honey dijon mustard)	Thai cuisine, falafels, soul food, anything at Sylvia's

How they feel about each other

Bill O'Reilly: O'Reilly is a kindergarten style flirt who teases the people he like-likes. But there is nothing innocent about O'Reilly's obsession with Markos. Markos's legs must be tired because he's been running around O'Reilly's mind for years now. Billo cannot stop talking about Markos, and he even compares Markos to his other major crush, David Duke, who has always been O'Reilly's knight in cotton white armor.

Markos Moulitsas: Markos once confessed to fellow object-of-O'Reilly's-Obsession, Keith Olberman, that he used to feel jealous and insecure about O'Reilly's crush on Keith: "I looked on as O‘Reilly attacked you for years and turned you into this ratings powerhouse on MSNBC, so I thought, I could use a little bit of O‘Reilly love. I‘m glad that he‘s actually delivered some of that." But after all the attention and love, Markos can't help but realize that he drives Bill crazy and can get him hot and bothered like no one else.

How they really feel about each other

Bill O'Reilly: O'Reilly may be straight or, when it comes to gay marriage, bi-curious. (He used to say he "couldn't care less about gay marriage" but now sees it as a gateway marriage to drugs, abortion, and the revocation of the Patriot Act, and inter-species matrimony.) But he certainly seems to have a thing for Markos Moulitsas.

Markos Moulitsas: Markos is flattered by all the attention, but it is unrequited. Sorry, Bill, but he's just not that into you.

Read more of Katie Halper's political commentary on Katie Halper Dot Com.

Indecision Forever » Katie Halper

Greta Van Susteren vs. Ana Marie Cox: Ideological Strangers on a Train?

Michelle Malkin vs. Pat Buchanan: Can You Tell the Difference?

Meghan McCain vs. Liz Cheney: Who Will Be the Next Ms. GOP?

Nate Silver & Karl Rove: What Are the Odds?

Obama: 349

McCain: 189

Kos & Bill-O: Hateful Rivalry or Homoerotic Obsession?