• Daily Show Writers: Pullin' Your Craig

    One of Senator Larry Craig's lawyers said Wednesday the Senate ethics committee has no business investigating Craig's guilty plea in connection with an airport men's room sex sting. Exclaimed the lawyer, "Would you want people publicly hashing over everything you did in the bathroom? Can we truly call America, 'the land of the free' if people can't even get a little privacy in the pisser?"

    After failing to consult a lawyer when Craig entered his original guilty plea back in August, the senator has now hired a high-powered crisis management team including Billy Martin, who represented quarterback Michael Vick in his dogfighting case. Craig decided to contact Martin after several bathroom stall doors were found brutally charred and slashed down the middle in Craig's backyard. Explained an anonymous source, "Larry said those were the doors that didn't bring him the action."

    Though Craig issued a public statement declaring his intention to step down, the senator seems to be reconsidering. He inadvertently left a voice message to what he thought was Martin's number, explaining, "Arlen Specter is now willing to come out in my defense, arguing that it appears by all that he knows that I've been railroaded…" adding, "He really thinks I got dicked over, says I've been reamed by the party. Takes a real gentleman to show that kind of man-to-man love. Made me ejaculate all over myself."

    "We ought to seek to have the committee dismiss this outright," Washington attorney Stan Brand said of the Senate ethics panel's investigation. "The Republican leadership called for an ethics investigation that had nothing to do with his office," adding, "he doesn't even have a public restroom in his office! He has a private bathroom. No stalls. How is going to run into some guy and ask him for sex in there?"

    Craig says he may still fight for his Senate seat, a spokesman says if the lawmaker can clear his name with the Senate ethics panel and a Minnesota court. Craig will presumably tackle that fight right after he sh*ts a diamond and unhooks all the lady senators' bras with his mind.


    Tags: Larry Craig, Michael Vick, TDS Writers, The Daily Show

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