It is the great honor of the entire Indecision 2008 staff — both living and deceased — to introduce you to a brand new writer that we'll be adding to the staff, a cub blogger who'll be chasing down the stories that we don't feel like covering: Cubby Chaser. That's not his actual name, obviously. It's just what we've been calling him. Since we decided in a staff meeting that we needed a cub blogger to chase stuff we don't like. We would have called anyone who took the position that. It's like a nickname. But less familiar. I assume he has a real name. He must have one, right? You get those at birth. Anyway, he's Cubby Chaser to us. He didn't respond to it very well at first, but he did eventually catch on.
So, let's see what he's got for us today and whether or not he'll be getting paid this Friday…
Hi. Cubby Chaser here. This is my first ever post on Indecision 2008, and I'm a little nervous. So, I thought it best to start out my time here by telling what I don't plan to do on the blog. And that's sensationalize. My senior-year journalism professor really stressed that sensationalism in news is destroying it at its foundation, and I don't plan on contributing to that folly.
For example, a lot of people are spending a lot of time blogging about how Republican Senator Trent Lott is having a lot of gay sex with his gay homosexual gay-prostitute lover. All because he suspiciously quit the Senate yesterday, giving no explanation about why he was leaving and whether or not it was so that he, Trent Lott, could spend more time homosexually rubbing hot oil into the bronzed gay muscles of his queer gay lover.
But these accusations are tenuous at best and deliciously scurrilous at worst. As of this moment — before we're presented with some towering rock hard facts or, better yet, photographs of Trent Lott decked out in leather gear being bent over a stairway railing by a bearish man in a chimney sweeper's hat, a look of ecstatic joy shared across two sweaty faces — any online chatter that Trent Lott is totally gay is nothing more than a vicious rumor. Besides, Trent Lott himself has said that homosexuality is a sin. So, why would he submerge himself in such a seductively sinful pit? It doesn't add up.
Actually, it turns out that it's all completely true.
See that? That last sentence is what I'd write if there were sufficient evidence to back up this claim. Unfortunately I can't allow this blog to contribute to the thousands upon thousands of Google hits, linking Trent Lott's name with ideas that Trent Lott is a very gay man. It's not responsible.
Here's a short list of some other things that I will never write on this blog, because they're just not true (so far as we know)…
- Trent Lott married and divorced a goat.
- Trent Lott enjoys having sex on a bed of whitefish salad and Sears catalogues.
- Trent Lott is all about erotic enemas.
- Trent Lott lives by the words of Thomas Jefferson, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.
- Trent Lott was the cameraman for 2girls1cup.
So, you will never see anything like that printed here by me, because there is absolutely no reason to believe any of that is true. I look forward to serving you.
Tags: Trent Lott