American voters always like the underdog. Well America, have I got an underdog for you. Meet Alan Keyes: African-American, Catholic, arch-conservative, anti-abortion crusader, trained opera singer, all-around Republican bad boy.
Yes, he is still in the race.
Heiresses, hold onto your tiaras, because this is the Republican your nanny warned you about. Heirs— keep it in your jodhpurs. This is also the man who disowned his own daughter for coming out as a lesbian. Even Dick Cheney isn't that hard-core.
Who’s Media? Our Media
Those glittering reptilian eyes, that charming tendency to talk over others — it's hard to understand why Alan isn't a media darling. He's made quite an issue of not getting fair and balanced media coverage for his campaign, and he seems to have the press running scared. At one GOP debate, he terrorized the moderator by repeatedly interrupting to demand equal attention. Poor little Wolf Blitzer is so intimidated he can barely include Keyes in CNN's polling data.
One Dollar, One Vote
Alas, Alan has neither generated nor cultivated the kind of Big Money support that wins campaigns. He has only raised $299,186. What a sad little sum. I spent more than that on a diamond-coated iPhone just yesterday.
Corporations Are People Too
In his 2004 Senate campaign against Barack Obama, Keyes likened corporate jockeying for government contracts to a "deeply smelly toad" in the corner of the room. Hmmm…smelly toad…2004… I'm pretty sure that was just Karl Rove. This year, Keyes fumed on his website about "self-seeking corporations." Have the corporations lost themselves? Some might think Alan intended to say "self-serving," but I prefer to think he's taken our slogan "Corporations Are People Too" to a whole new level.
Tax Wages Not Wealth
Says Keyes: "The income tax is a 20th-century socialist experiment that has failed." And "Only the abolition of the income tax will restore the basic American principle that our income is both our own money and our own private business — not the government's." Oh Alan! For a man fighting the War on Pornography, you sure know how to talk dirty.
Education is NOT for Everyone
Dr. Keyes would like to abolish the Department of Education and stop the Federal Government's funding of K-12 education. What's that? The poor have no schools? Why, let them attend Choate!
Loyal to Big Oil
Keyes is a strong supporter of our right to liquidate the environment. After all, it is an asset. As president, he'd give us free rein to drill in ANWR, and he'd get rid of those wet blanket CAFE fuel efficiency standards. "CAFE kills 2,000 – 4,000 people a year by making larger, safer cars less affordable. It's an assault on the family car and should be abolished." Aroint thee, knave — stand back from my Volvo or I shall smite thee!
Global Warming = Better Tans
The Keyes-ster simply abhors the Kyoto Treaty, with its nonsense about all nations working together to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and combat climate change. He suggests that we leave the environment to "the natural tendencies of a morally responsible free economy towards smarter, cleaner, and more efficient services and products." Because that's how it will work out. Trust us.