John McCain Will Help Us Luxuriate in Sweet, Sweet Fossil Fuel

John McCain isn't afraid to admit it: he's a war hero, not a nerd who sits around thinking about boring crap like economics. But as a presidential candidate, he is sort of expected to have an economic policy plan to go along with his warmongering policy plan. Good news! He's finally got one…

[McCain] called for a hiatus in the 18.4 cent-a-gallon federal gas tax from Memorial Day until Labor Day — the period when vacationing Americans spend the most time on the road.

"The effect will be an immediate economic stimulus — taking a few dollars off the price of a tank of gas every time a family, a farmer, or trucker stops to fill up," said McCain.

Wow! Think of the severals of dollars we could each save next summer. Surely that'll let homeowners dig their way out of foreclosure. McCain is a genius.

"It's a quick fix for people who believe cheap gas is their birthright," said Tom Kloza, chief oil analyst at the Oil Price Information Service, a research firm. "It's not a prudent thing to do."

Hey, oil analyst Tom Kloza, cheap gas is my birthright. That's because I'm an American. Born on American soil, baptised in premium unleaded that cost my parents $1.49 a gallon.

Kloza said the amount of money motorists would save would do little to stimulate economic growth, and said the revenue from the gas tax is much needed for road repairs.

There's an old saying where I come from (America!): if you can't handle the potholes, stay home.

He also said reducing demand is one of the best ways of lowering gas prices, and suspending the gas tax may encourage motorists to drive more — a move that would certainly benefit the oil companies.

"Look, somewhere down the road you have to use less," said Kloza. "As painful as it might be, higher prices do sway behavior toward a more energy disciplined America."

This is the most moronic thing I've ever heard. Stupid oil-hating, bathwater-recycling, granola-hugging naysayers. Besides, how are we supposed to get down the road in the first place if we aren't driving? Huh?