• Indecision Internationale: London Mayoral Election – Boris, the Village Idiot

    Tired of American politics? Then why not look overseas and take solace that it's not quite as insane as the London Mayoral elections? Some limey named Rich Johnston is still holding our hand through it all.

    As Arnold Schwarzenegger prepared to address the UK's Conservative Party Conference, he caught the mop-haired Boris Johnson in full flow. "He's fumbling all over the place," judged The Governator. And it's easy to see Boris as a foolish anachronistic muppet with as much business in politics as a syphilitic whelk. But it's also very hard to actually dislike him.

    Once upon a time, his name was Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. Educated at Eton and Oxford, he was a member of The Bullingdon Club, famed for wrecking dining establishments, then thrusting a large wad of cash in the aggrieved owner’s face.

    Boris lasted less than a week as a management consultant before going into journalism, where he was sacked after fabricating a quote from his godfather. But exploiting his contacts, he became a political writer and editor. His bizarre bumbling appearances on the nearest thing the UK has to the Daily Show, "Have I Got News For You" brought him instant fame.

    As a Conservative politician, he was fired from his position after lying about an extramarital affair with a fellow journalist. Other affairs as well as his quibbling over the cost of an abortion came to light but no one ascribed malice to his actions. The public decided Boris must have accidentally tripped and fallen into a lot of women.

    And desperate to find a popular challenger to two-term incumbent London Mayor Ken Livingstone, The Conservative Party plumped for Boris, the man who had said "Voting [Conservative] will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3." A tape of Boris colluding with a convicted fraudster to assault a journalist, repeatedly calling black people "piccaninnies" and admitting to cannabis and cocaine use did not damage him. After all, none of it could have been his fault. Not bumbling Boris.

    Right now it looks like Boris will win. Hell, he could admit to anally raping the Pope and still get away with it.

    In the next installment of Indecision Internationale, you'll meet Brian Paddick.

    Tags: Boris Johnson, Indecision Internationale


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