Listen, Ladies, John McCain Knows What You Need

Recently a bunch of hormonal Senate Democrats have been pushing for a bill called the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, named for a woman who tried to sue her employer after realizing that male co-workers with less seniority were being paid higher salaries.

But poor Lilly didn't figure this fact out for several years, possibly because she is a girl and girls aren't so good at math, and the Supreme Court decided it was way too late for her to sue. Wah, wah.

Instead of dropping the case and moving on to more urgent matters, like providing safe and effective access to Viagra, some members of Congress decided fair-pay plaintiffs should have more time in which to file suits… as if women need more leeway! Am I right, guys? Give 'em an inch, they'll take a mile and your credit card. Women! Always shopping, with their eighty cents on the dollar.

Anyway, thank goodness for John McCain, who in addition to being a war hero is a real, albeit old, man…

McCain stated his opposition to the bill as he campaigned in rural eastern Kentucky, where poverty is worse among women than men. The Arizona senator said he was familiar with the disparity but that there are better ways to help women find better paying jobs.

"They need the education and training, particularly since more and more women are heads of their households, as much or more than anybody else," McCain said. "And it's hard for them to leave their families when they don't have somebody to take care of them."

That's right! You girls don't need access to the hallowed halls of American jurisprudence — you'd just clutter them up with your makeup bags, anyway.

What you need is more training, like typing school for example, or maybe some sort of sewing class. Something that could help you earn the degree that will really get you ahead in life: the MRS.

Because once you land yourself a man, you'll have somebody to take care of you… and you can stop worrying your pretty little heads about those strange confusing numbers on your paychecks.