Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!
Running With The Devil! It's time for the ex-Senate Page's much-anticipated Running Mate Rundown! Trust us, folks: Iran isn't going to bomb itself. It takes more than bleached teeth and a Christmas card full of white kids to rightfully inherit Dick Cheney's undisclosed location.
Fortunately for the candidates, we've done all the hard work by narrowing their choices to four VP finalists apiece. We trust the nominees can pare it down from here — hopefully in the form of a reality TV show!
For Hillary Clinton:
Ted Strickland, the first-term governor from Ohio
Pros: Popular governor of an important swing state.
Cons: As an Ohioan, he will likely be outsourced to China well before the election.
Evan Bayh, senator and former governor of Indiana
Cons: His coiffed look and folksy demeanor has been used to paint him as a "lightweight."
Pros: Rumored 14-inch penis is the talk of Washington.
Tom Vilsack, former governor of Iowa
Cons: His own presidential bid generated almost no national interest, and he failed to deliver Iowa for Hillary in January.
Pros: Could crush any Republican challenger in the event of a vice-presidential corn-eating contest.
Barack Obama, senator from Illinois
Pros: Extremely high-profile presidential candidate, excellent public speaker, broad appeal among liberals and moderates alike.
Cons: If elected, his "37" would be the lowest vice-presidential bowling score since Hannibal Hamlin.
For Barack Obama:
Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York City.
Pros: Wonkish, diminutive, effeminate, ex-Republican, billionaire Jew from New York City.
Cons: Some pundits unfairly claim certain voters might not be able to identify with him.
Jim Webb, senator from Virginia
Cons: Poor public speaker who avoids the spotlight at all costs. May continue writing oversexed military fiction while Vice President.
Pros: Three-time Ultimate Fighting champion of Northern Virginia. May be called upon to personally hunt down Osama bin Laden and kickbox him to death.
Pat Tillman, war hero, former Arizona Cardinals star, died defending his country and was posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor.
Pros: Like Republican nominee McCain, Tillman forsook a comfortable lifestyle back home to defend his country in a time of war.
Cons: Most feel it's pointless to put an Arizonan on the ticket, given McCain’s popularity in his home state.
Hillary Clinton, senator from New York
Pros: Extremely high-profile presidential candidate and former First Lady, strong polling power among blue-collar voters and women.
Cons: Most of her fall calendar will be booked on account of running for president.
For John McCain:
Joe Lieberman, senator from Connecticut
Cons: Has participated in two failed campaigns for the White House, reviled by members of his own party, generally a national joke.
Pros: In the event of an embarrassing death, could be easily played by Wallace Shawn.
Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina.
Pros: Charming, well-liked Southern moderate.
Cons: Cannot read or write.
Aaron Burr, former Vice President of the United States
Pros: Was McCain's running mate in his first bid for the presidency. Can deliver New Jersey on intimidation alone.
Cons: Has already endorsed Dennis Kucinich.
Larry Craig, senator from Idaho
Pros: Very high-profile senator with solid conservative track record, hailing from the newly-pivotal Mountain West.
Cons: His protectionist approach toward ethanol tariffs clashes with a key plank in McCain's platform.
Tags: Aaron Burr, Barack Obama, Congressional Confidential, Dick Cheney, Evan Bayh, Hillary Clinton, Jim Webb, John McCain, Larry Craig, Michael Bloomberg, Ted Strickland, Tom Vilsack