Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!
Pigskin Fever! If you love freedom, you're no doubt up in arms about the NFL's inadequate investigation of former New England Patriots video intern Matt Walsh. Well fortunately, so is Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA), who has a bold plan to "tackle" this problem head-on: setting fire to a large pile of money!
No, wait, excuse us… what we meant to say is that Sen. Specter wants to hire an independent counsel to investigate this iniquity. (You’ll admit we were close.)
Our Page brethren who heard Specter's oration on the Senate floor reported that they were universally moved and some wept openly. Their only complaint was having to first sit through other Senators' speeches regarding foster care and hate crimes. BOR-ING!
Although Specter was not permitted to wear his autographed Donovan McNabb jersey onto the Senate floor or sit in his inflatable Philadelphia Eagles chair, he still managed to tear NFL commissioner Roger Goodell a new asshole, into which he immediately crammed several bulging wads of taxpayer dollars.
And don't think that Specter will stop with Goodell! We say the dictators of Myanmar and Zimbabwe had better pray to their pagan gods that there's no footage of them in Walsh's tapes unless they wish to be subpoenaed faster than you can say Roger Clemens!
Tags: Arlen Specter, Congressional Confidential, Football, Roger Clemens