Update: I don't know if anybody actually still cares about this nonsense, but Jezebel wrote a post today calling me out for being the unattractive nerdish-looking person that I am. And then I responded.
So, um, uh… Hey, how are you?
Us? Oh, we've been better. Earlier today, we posted a little bloggy thing called "How Barbara Walters Saved America From Hillary Clinton's Thunder Thighs" — which linked to a post in Jezebel that featured a clip from The View in which Barbara Walters gives a less than kind assessment of Hillary Clintons' bottom-half shape. And, um… people didn't like it. Not at all.
They thought it was "sexist." And "misogynistic." Probably because it referred to the women who work at Jezebel as "vaginas" and the good senator from New York as a "lard-ass." (You know, you've really gotta read it in context.)
The post got a lot of comments that were… not positive. No, "positive" is definitely not the word I'd use.
And, on top of that, Jezebel wrote a post about our post about their post, and… Well, you should just read an excerpt…
…let's not even get started on what I shall generously call the "content" of your post. Wow, it's so creative and original of you to comment that Hillary's got a big butt in, like, 5 completely different ways! Including "lard ass," which, frankly, I'm sure you know plenty about since you spend your day sitting on one of your own, trying not to crush your tiny, tiny penis and floppity testicles between your hairy, sweaty lardy thighs while shifting positions to scratch said sweaty lard ass. Did you reach down during one of those momentous scratching sessions and pull out this little dingleberry just for your readers? How sweet, and equally rank.
Dude, go fuck yourself because none of these vaginas (or, we assume, plenty of others out there) will be fucking you any time soon.
While I will concede that Jezebel's grandiose rage about our "tiny penis and floppity testicles" is much more nuanced and droll than our — quite possibly misguided — attempt to expand upon Barbara Walters' unfortunate characterizations of Senator Clinton's figure to the point of absurdity, thus exposing the rankness of The View's comments (or what is sometimes referred to as "satire"), we have one major issue with Jezebel's characterization of the writer of our original post…
She has neither a "tiny penis" nor "floppity testicles." She actually has a vagina. Or, as we'd prefer to say, she is a vagina. And, despite Jezebel's assessment of her, she's a very talented, intelligent and funny one. I'm not exactly certain why Jezebel assumed that she was a scrotum instead of a vagina. But whatever.
After the writer vagina wrote the offending post, three different people signed off on it: a vagina who serves as the features editor of Indecision 2008, a vagina who is the senior editor of all content across all of Comedy Central's websites, and me, a lowly scrotum who serves as our news editor. (And, sadly, I do in fact have a "tiny penis and floppity testicles." I have no idea how Jezebel knew. I guess the news gets around.)
We all looked at it, and we all thought it was funny. We thought people would see that we were making fun of Barbara Walters and not making fun of Hillary Clinton. Apparently, we were wrong. Three vaginas and one scrotum all missed the boat on this one.
And, for that, we're sorry.
We really are. We understand that tempers are running particularly high right now as Hillary Clinton's historic campaign draws to a close. We understand that a lot of people feel genuinely hurt at the lost opportunity to see a woman in the Oval Office for the first time in the history of ever. Spraying lemon juice into that fresh laceration was not our intention in the slightest. In fact, we've really tried to not make ad hominem attacks on Hillary Clinton, based upon her gender. (Well, mostly.) We agree with all of you: that's not funny. It's lazy and it's offensive and boring. We chose instead to make ad hominem attacks on Hillary Clinton based upon her poorly run campaign and bizarre strategic choices. Same as we did with every other candidate.
On this one, we should have worked harder to make sure that our intentions were more clearly telegraphed.
One last thing, though. Speaking as the lone scrotum in this whole affair, I'd like to address Jezebel's interest in the future of my sexual relationships.
Thank you for the information, Jezebel, but I'm not really all that concerned. I only "fuck" women with senses of humor.
Tags: Barbara Walters, Hillary Clinton, The View