The News News: Sunday, June 8th Edition

Every Sunday morning, Joe Mande and Noah Garfinkel watch all the network news shows looking for news about the news, or "news news," and then report their findings here on the following day. Join them, won't you?

This Sunday, there was a lot for the news programs to discuss: Barack Obama clinched the nomination, Hillary Clinton suspended her campaign and John McCain appeared in front of a green screen and underwhelmed the world with what is being called by many (us) the I Have Halloween Teeth Speech.

But the biggest story from yesterday came when commentator Bill Kristol (taking time out of his busy schedule of writing poorly researched op-eds) appeared on Fox News Sunday and blatantly stole a joke from Stephen Colbert.

That certainly sounds familiar…

MIDWEEK TREAT — John McCain Speech

This actually didn't appear on any Sunday news programs, but it was so good we just had to share it with you. Here's John McCain announcing a policy proposal we had no idea was necessary.

Bottled hot water to dehydrated babies? What? Is there a dehydrated baby problem we're unaware of? And even if there is, the babies are dehydrated right now; stop wasting time heating up the water. Or give them hot breast milk, you jerk!

McCain's speech reminded us of that memorable scene from the movie Rain Man, where the great Dustin Hoffman yells "Hot water burn baby!"

(Note to reader: Yes, we think that's Dustin Hoffman. And yes, "Dehydrated Babies" would make a terrible band name.)

SUNDAY MORNING LOSERS

Meet the Press with Tim Russert (NBC)

Guests: Ron Allen, Lee Cowan, David Gregory, Andrea Mitchell, Kelly O'Donnell, Chuck Todd

Review: Meet the Press is widely considered a monument to journalistic integrity, and this week that monument was devoted to boredom. What a supremely boring show yesterday. Literally the only thing to report was a birthday; Chuck Todd's goatee turned five years old yesterday!

Rating: Chuck Todd: 5, Tim Russert: 0.

Face the Nation with Bob Schieffer (CBS)

Guests: Howard Wolfson, Charlie Rangel, Jim Webb, Roger Simon

Review: Highly informative yet astoundingly uneventful. Bob Schieffer, as always, was old and adorable. It was actually our decision to keep Bob Schieffer over Sydney Pollack. Sorry?

Rating: C+ (the 'C' is for cute. The plus is for Bob Schieffer.)

Chris Matthews Show (NBC)

Guests: Nora O'Donnell, Clarence Page, Michelle Cottle, Michael Duffy

Review: As we all know, Chris Matthews is a top-notch newsmaker in the world of news news. But sometimes he wastes all of his goofiness on Hardball during the workweek, making his Sunday morning news program completely bland and civil. That was pretty much the case this week until this gem of a moment occurred. First, the panel of nerds discusses how cool and hip Barack and Michelle Obama are for being black. Then, out of nowhere, the segment is brought to a close with Chris Matthews announcing that white people from America are cooler than white people from Europe.

Note to Chris: When trying to claim you are from a cool culture, avoid using the phrase "we are sooooo cooler than them."

Rating: Mediocre day for Chris Matthews, a horrible day for street cred

SUNDAY MORNING WINNERS

Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace (FOX)

Guests: Tim Kaine, Tim Pawlenty, Bill Kristol, Juan Williams, Brit Hume, Mara Liasson

Review: Here's a really interesting moment from the show. Chris Wallace asks Governor Kaine if he would like to be vice president. Kaine immediately decides that he's going to give a very long-winded non-answer, but after about 30 seconds Chris Wallace has had enough. The camera stays on Kaine, but listen carefully as Chris Wallace almost subliminally demands an answer.

Did you hear that? Watch it again. Chris Wallace forcefully says "Now answer the question." And it works! (He probably had a gun in his hand.)

Fox News Sunday wrapped up by showing a montage of notable celebrity commencement speeches, one of which was given by Cal Ripken, Jr.

Here's the first part of Ripken's speech:

And here's the second part:

(Get it? Because he looks like the Heaven's Gate guy.)

Rating: 10 out of 10. We used to not like Chris Wallace, now we do, soon we won't.

This Week with George Stephanopoulos (ABC)

Guests: John Kerry, Lindsey Graham, Diane Feinstein, George Will, Jay Carney, Claire Shipman, Jonathan Capehart.

Review: The show was pretty uneventful…that is until Senator Lindsey Graham got caught playing with himself on split screen!

Rating: Gross.

The McLaughlin Group (Syndicated)

Guests: Monica Crowley, Pat Buchanan, Eleanor Clift, Michelle Bernard.

Review: The McLaughlin Group is pretty much the most reliable source of news news. Because it's just insane old people yelling at one another. There was plenty of yelling this week, but by far the best part was when Pat Buchanan gets caught not paying attention and still manages to B.S. his way through and answer.

Seriously, what was Pat Buchanan looking at? Our guess: A monitor showing D.W. Griffith's Birth of a Nation.

Rating: 100%