Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!
Yes indeed, the official Governor's Mansion in Austin caught fire and burned on Sunday, leaving Perry (R) homeless. And while the hobos at the Fort Worth freight depot quickly mobilized to secure a discarded refrigerator carton for the Governor, a better bet is that Perry will crash with fellow Governor Jim Gibbons (R-NV) at his swinging Reno bachelor pad!
Now, in case you were making plans to visit the Governor in the Austin hospital's burn unit, you can breathe a sigh of relief since Perry was in France at the time of the blaze. Apparently he was there to convince the French to import more Texas-made products, such as brake pads and mechanically-separated chicken — the same excuse Benjamin Franklin used for his many visits to the land of snails!
Back in Texas, state fire officials suspect arson caused the blaze, and the list of suspects is long, including:
* Congressman and Presidential Candidate Ron Paul (R-TX), who is angry at Perry for traveling to Turkey and breaking something called the "Logan Act."
* Angry Texas parents, who take offense to Perry’s campaign to vaccinate sixth graders against genital warts.
* God, in spite of Perry's agreement with the Rev. Hagee that non-Christians are "going straight to hell with a nonstop ticket."
* The same faulty television set that committed an almost-identical crime in 1983 and was recently released on parole by a liberal activist judge.
One name we can cross off the list of suspects is hard rocker Ted Nugent, a personal friend of Perry's. "The Motor City Madman" was the featured performer at Perry's 2007 inaugural ball, during which he wore a confederate flag t-shirt, swung an AK-47 over his head, and instructed non-English speakers to "get the fuck out of America."
Given this personal history, insiders say the Governor views Nugent as a shoulder to cry on. In fact, when Perry collapses in tears at the sight of his charred mansion, we expect the only antidote will be the Nuge's gentle refrain of Perry's favorite love song, "Wang Dang, Sweet Poontang."
Tags: Benjamin Franklin, Congressional Confidential, France, Jim Gibbons, John Hagee, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, Ted Nugent, Texas