Catching Up With A Loser: Sam Brownback

Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

What Are They Doing Now? Most Americans, following their release from jail, will spend days or even weeks acclimating to society and reuniting with family before announcing their bid for U.S. President. But not Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS), who spent the night of December 8, 2006 in the notorious Angola, Louisiana prison, while simultaneously announcing his White House run on his web site!

Disturbed that his neighbors in prison did not include any abortion doctors or Darwinists, Brownback made social conservatism the hallmark of his campaign. His platform promised the repeal of Roe v. Wade, the teaching of intelligent design, and free pizza for all Americans courtesy of his key backer and Domino's founder Tom Monaghan!

Jail time aside, Brownback had a typical Washington biography. He snoozed his way through judicial confirmation hearings, accepted big bucks from Jack Abramoff, and joined an Opus Dei church after reading The Da Vinci Code. But Brownback distinguished himself in the presidential race with his willingness to spend an almost masochistic amount of time in Iowa, surviving on foraged corn and addressing rallies consisting entirely of livestock.

Pundits expected favorable results for Brownback in Iowa's famed Ames Straw Poll, citing the state's large evangelical population and the Senator's recent endorsement from a mid-tier Baldwin Brother. But Brownback finished a disappointing third, likely due to the fact that his self-declared "one constituent," God, did not attend the straw poll, citing a prior commitment to appear in an Ohio man's pancake. To make matters worse, Brownback's second-favorite constituent, Terri Schiavo, also missed the vote.

So with a heavy heart and an empty wallet, Brownback left the race on October 18, 2007, citing the need to spend more time with the unborn. His name has recently resurfaced as a potential Vice Presidential pick, but John McCain will need to look elsewhere, because Brownback was recently Raptured.

Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential, John McCain, Sam Brownback, Stephen Baldwin, Terri Schiavo