Swiftboat Veterans For Abstinence

Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

Swiftboatin' USA! The Federal Election Commission may claim that the winners of the 2004 Presidential Election were George W. Bush, who got 51% of the vote, and Dick Cheney, who won four more years of government health care and a complementary round of The Most Dangerous Game.

But anyone who was following the campaign knows that the true winner in November 2004 was the "527" group Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, who convinced the American public that Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) had not slaughtered nearly enough Cambodians to be trusted with the Presidency.

Well good news for fans of the Swift Boat Vets: The PR firm that invented them, Creative Response Concepts, has launched a new organization called Parents For Truth — an "abstinence-only" lobbying group!

Parents For Truth is chaired by Valerie Huber, whose previous contribution to the "abstinence-only" movement was getting suspended from the Ohio Department of Health for steering a state contract to an anti-gay group that had her on the payroll. Now she'll be responsible for disseminating videos like this one, which remind America's youth that, after pre-marital sex, the greatest threat to our democracy is bad acting and a horrible synth underscore.

Now, the Pages are aware that a Congressional study showed that abstinence-only education has been roughly as successful as Professor Cornel West's rap career, but we are still holding out hope that the programs will continue. In fact, we readily volunteer the prestigious Senate Page School as a testing ground, and we nominate Sen. David Vitter (R-LA) as the instructor! Vitter may not have set a great example while he was nailing a New Orleans prostitute, but his life these days is all about abstinence as far as Mrs. David Vitter is concerned!