• Still Forever Don Young

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!


    Calling Collect! As you've read in this space before, Congressman Don Young (R-AK) has never let integrity or his constituents stand between him and his beloved lobbyists. And now the man dubbed "Mr. Pork" by Rolling Stone has the papers to prove it, following the leak of his "Survival Guide" for interns at his Washington office.

    The Guide lists an "A-Team" of nine persons who are permitted to "talk to whomever they want" when they phone Young's office. And all nine of them are — can you guess? — lobbyists! That's right, we're talking folks like Rick Alcalde, who lobbies on behalf of Daniel Aronoff — the real estate developer for whom the Alaska Congressman earmarked $10 million in his adopted home district of Southwest Florida! And Randy DeLay, whose brother Tom was a noted Texas roach exterminator (as well as a former House Majority Leader)!

    Once "The A-Team" is satiated, phone priorities go to other members of Congress and government officials. Riding the caboose are Young's actual Alaskan constituents. Notably omitted from the list is U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Director Mollie Beattie, who apparently has stopped calling since Young swung an 18-inch walrus penis bone at her.

    Besides phone guidelines, the "Survival Guide" details the various demands of that will be placed on Young's interns, primarily by the Congressman's tyrant of a wife, Lula. Among other things, notes the Guide, "Mrs. Y… does not permit noise from computers" and "wants pumpkin seeds when she says sunflower seeds." Sounds like she must be the life of the party at Young's illegal golf fundraisers!

    So how does the release of this "Survival Guide" affect you, gentle reader? Well, if you're bored right now, why not drop what you're doing and give Young a call on his office line — (202) 225-5765. If you want "to talk to whomever you want," just identify yourself as a lobbyist and explain you're calling in a rush delivery for a heaping order of pork!

    Tags: Congressional Confidential, Don Young


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