Ask a Former Evangelical Christian: The Answers

We'd like to thank everyone who participated in Ask a Former Evangelical. Here, now, are an inspirational handful of answers:

Does Jesus support a "strike first" policy? (Obamagramma)

"While technically Jesus supports a 'turn the other cheek' policy, this policy is superseded by a 'blow stuff up and ask questions later' policy during times of Armageddon. Technical requirements for declaring Armageddon are complicated, but some good rules of thumb are: terrorism = Armageddon, communism = Armageddon, high gas prices = Armageddon."

When someone is in a major crisis in their life is it recommended to not respond to their pleas of help so that it can demoralize them enough to turn to God when they are at their lowest point so the conversion will be easiest? (Annie)

"You are on the right track, but your bluntness is a bit hurtful to the cause. It is actually best to answer any and all pleas for help in a passive aggressive manner. Listen carefully to the person in crisis, shake your head in empathy. Pat them on the back if you can, but make sure that they don't see you as being condescending. A good phrase to try is, 'I don't know how you are getting through this without Jesus, but I will pray for you.'"

What's always had me flummoxed was why God "needs" us to pray or else he get's mad and sends us to hell for an eternity of pain! I guess I just don't get why the man's got such a low self-esteem. To be honest, I'd rather have Doc Manhattan from Watchmen as my god now. He was a bit more over that petty stuff. (Jimmy)

"Prayer doesn't change God, it changes us. Prayer is a way that we can slowly let our own 'intrinsic fields' down so that the we can bathe in the power of his nuclear goodness in short bursts. Just as I found my way into your comic book reference with the help of Wikipedia, God finds his way into our world by feigning interest in our petty concerns in order that we might, in turn, find our way into his world. Now, as to why God might hear my prayer to, say, score the winning touchdown in order to earn my several million dollar bonus and not hear the pleas of the estimated thirty thousand children who starve to death each day…you got me there."

When Jesus said, "the meek shall inherit the Earth," was he talking about the Karl Rove-type meek, or the Exxon-Mobil-type meek, or the Newt Gingrich-type meek? (Shreya)

"I don't think that Rove, Gingrich, or the Exxon Mobil executives are true evangelicals. I think the kind of meek you want is the James Dobson type in which you assume that your degree in family therapy means that you are an expert in either interpreting very old religious texts written in languages you do not know or prescribing social policy."

What's the best question to ask an Evangelical Christian to render them red-faced and/or speechless? (Lee Quick)

"When was the last time you masturbated, what did you fantasize about, how did it feel, and how did you clean up afterwords?"

Do you think most evangelicals picture Charlton Heston when they pray to God? (Kia)

"Yes."