• John McCain Withholds Hilarious Joke, Still Can't Find Internet

    Over the weekend, the New York Times ran a profile of war hero John McCain, the kind of thing they like to call a "wide-ranging interview."

    Basically they asked him a lot of questions, and he answered most of them them, mostly without yelling, and we learned that…

    * John McCain likes to pretend he's Teddy Roosevelt, except without the whole big-game hunting thing;

    * John McCain is "flatly opposed" to allowing gay parents to adopt, because "both parents are important in the success of a family" (and think of all the shrinks who'll go out of business if kids don't grow up with mom issues or a daddy complex); and

    * John McCain goes to church but "not as often as [he] should," which may be why he "has said" he believes in evolution.

    Then John McCain sent a special shout-out to bloggers like yours truly!

    When asked if he felt that it was more difficult to run against Mr. Obama because of the sensitivities of race, Mr. McCain responded wryly: "I'd like to make a joke, but I can't."

    "We are in a situation today where all words are parsed, all comments are diagnosed and looked at for whatever effect they might have," he said. "We have to feed the beast, the hourly cable shows, the instant news in the blogs and all that. That is just the situation that we're in, and I'm not complaining about it, because that would be both foolish and a waste of time."


    [McCain] said, ruefully, that he had not mastered how to use the Internet and relied on his wife and aides like Mark Salter, a senior adviser, and Brooke Buchanan, his press secretary, to get him online to read newspapers (though he prefers reading those the old-fashioned way) and political Web sites and blogs.

    "They go on for me," he said. "I am learning to get online myself, and I will have that down fairly soon, getting on myself. I don't expect to be a great communicator, I don't expect to set up my own blog, but I am becoming computer literate to the point where I can get the information that I need."

    Mmmm. Beast satisfied with cranky man underscoring his own obsolescence. Beast diagnoses comment: John McCain is an old who is so out of touch he does not even know what Tumblr is. This comment's primary effect will be a few LOLs.

    Note to any war heroes reading a printout of this: it stands for "land of Lincoln."

    p.s. Please type out and mail your Obama joke to me, or send via carrier pigeon. I'm still feeling a bit snacky.

    Tags: Barack Obama, John McCain, New York Times


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