• Now THAT'S a Stimulus Package!

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!


    A Stimulating Development! Calling all skeptics who thought firming up our flaccid economy was little more than George W. Bush's wet dream: You were wrong! The Commander-in-Chief's ample economic stimulus package has engorged the economy with hot, steamy cash, and who's been scoring non-stop as a result? The internet pornography industry!

    According to the Adult Internet Market Research Company (NAMBLA):

    Numerous porn sites "have reported 20-30% growth in membership rates since mid-May when the checks were first sent out, and typically the summer is a slow period for this market."

    And it gets better: The Pages believe that before long, all segments of the economy will reap benefits from the porn surge! Consider how much the following groups will love the Bush Stimulus Package:

    Environmentalists When Americans masturbate at home, they conserve fuel by not driving to adult movie theaters, who in turn will use less water to hose down the seats after a screening.
    The powerful Hand Lotion Lobby Thanks to the wonders of trickle-down economics, this commodity is about to see a huge spike in demand.
    The U.S. Supreme Court To paraphrase Justice Potter Stewart, the Court certainly knows hard-core pornography when it sees it, and this development enables them to know a lot more porn.
    The Insurance Industry Given the lucrative nature of internet porn, many stars will seek to insure their most valuable assets. We understand that Ron Jeremy has taken out a $1 million policy on his own, shall we say, Bush Stimulus Package.

    Well, as General Motors CEO Charles E. Wilson famously said: "What's good for the porn industry is good for America." So as a citizen of the greatest nation on Earth, you can now sit back and enjoy imminent financial bounty– whether or not you're the owner of www.naughtyasiangrannies.com!

    Tags: Congressional Confidential, George W. Bush


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