• In Defense of Ted Stevens

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    An Innocent Man! The Pages are up in arms over the charges that have landed Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) in hot water! It seems the cuddliest octogenarian on Capitol Hill was recently indicted for failing to report gifts from oil executives. We say: Unfair! Do you really think that Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) reports every single baguette he gets from the King of France?

    In defense of Uncle Ted, the Pages have crafted a 5-prong defense that we think should pave the way for the Senator's speedy acquittal:

    1. Stevens is the only sitting Senator who is more than 35 years older than his own state.

    2. Although it was Al Gore who invented the Internet, modern scientists had no idea how it worked until Stevens' personal research revealed it to be "not a truck," and in fact "a series of tubes."

    3. In 2005 alone, Stevens secured $16.6 million dollars in federal Homeland Security funding for his home state of Alaska, which undoubtedly thwarted an Al Qaeda attack on Fairbanks.

    4. Stevens somehow served as co-Senator with Mike Gravel (D-AK) for 12 years without once hitting him with a shovel.

    5. In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Stevens courageously threatened to resign his Senate seat if federal highway funds were diverted from Alaska's $223 million "Bridge To Nowhere" to rebuilding New Orleans.

    If those facts don't convince a jury to acquit Uncle Ted, we don't know what will. But in the event that Stevens is wrongfully convicted and forced to leave the Senate, we're sure that Alaskans will follow in their proud tradition of nepotism and award his seat to his son, Ben Stevens. Oh wait, it turns out the FBI is investigating him, too.

    Tags: Congressional Confidential, Ted Stevens


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