We're only two weeks away from the political party conventions: that magical time when choirs are preached to, foregone conclusions forewent, and thousands of patriotic balloons showered onto the sweaty. But with any luck, a much less horrific scenario (like a mushroom cloud or supervillain's freeze ray) will decide the future leadership of the world first. So whether you're planning to take refuge in a city a mile above the ground, or inside a mall the size of a military base, here's a critical plank to look forward to in the Apocalypse Party's platform:
SIGN: Retired Republican Congressman Jim Leach of Iowa endorses Obama.
WHY THAT'S A SIGN: Stunning betrayal of pro-Life principles by an Iowan prompts the angry emergence of the Unborn Fetuses of the Corn. Factory farm equipment grinds them into the corn, triggering a worldwide taste for cannibalism.
WHAT TO EXPECT: Global food crisis averted as humans "look to themselves" for sustenance. Americans play a key part, being deemed both "most succulent" and "least able to run away."
WHY THAT'S GREAT NEWS: Bennigans' fortune is revived with the introduction of its new appetizer, "Those-Who-Used-to-Consume-Poppers Poppers."
Tags: Barack Obama, Rob Kutner, The Daily Show, This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse