The John Edwards affair has put the "dead girls and live boys" of Washington back where they belong — under our microscope. Men of power have been arrogantly flaunting their affairs since the invention of the penis. But while there's, "I did not have sex with that woman," arrogant, there's also "serving your cancer-ridden wife divorce papers so you can run off with your 33-year-old mistress while prosecuting the president for an illegal BJ" arrogant. With that in mind, Indecision 2008 presents the top five most mind-bogglingly arrogant affairs in American political history ranked on a scale of 1-8 Emperor's Club whore diamonds.
5. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Though our 32nd president had affairs as numerous as he was crippled, they were nothing if not discrete — relics of a simpler time when a president could fingerbang his wife's secretary with one hand and punch Hitler in the solar plexus with the other.
4. Newt Gingrich, Bob Livingston, David Vitter
Once upon a time, there were three restless congressmen.
Speaker of the House and recovering giraffe hunting addict Newt Gingrich was forced to resign as speaker in 1998 when it was revealed that he was having an affair with a 33-year-old Congressional staffer while trying to impeach the president on felony hummer charges.
The man selected to replace him as speaker, Louisiana Congressman Bob Livingston, resigned from Congress himself to prevent Larry Flynt from publishing proof of his own extramarital affairs, outing him to his Hustler-subscriber wife Bonnie.
His replacement in Congress, David Vitter, was later identified as a client of the D.C. Madam prostitution ring, a crime that effectively ended his political career when he got lots of free publicity, a slap on the wrist, and his prostitute killed herself.
Thus, proudly surveying the mockery they had made of the institution they had sworn to uphold and defend, the three congressmen, boners held high, galloped bowlegged off into sunset.
3. Gary Hart
When newspapers began publishing rumors that Hart was having an affair, the Colorado senator forthrightly retorted, "Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a tail on me, go ahead. They'll be very bored." Two days later, reporters discovered him nailing a 29-year-old model on board a yacht called "Monkey Business" and all yawned really small.
2. Bernard Kerik
The "Sidekick of 9/11" tried to "illegal nanny" his way out of a nomination for Homeland Security Chief before it was discovered that he had been "saluting the heroes" with the publisher of his autobiography in an apartment donated for the use of emergency workers at ground zero. Kerik later stated that he would have preferred to have been out in the thick with his men but rubble kept creeping up his ass and the 24/7 ashen-faced wailing was killing his wood.
1. Patrick Leahy
While the Vermont senator has had no reported affairs to date, he masturbates like a horny bonobo at appropriations committee meetings.
Tags: Bill Clinton, Bob Livingston, David Vitter, Franklin Roosevelt, John Edwards, Larry Craig, Newt Gingrich, Patrick Leahy