• Catching Up With a Loser: John Edwards

    Hey, did someone tell former Sen. John Edwards (D-NC) that he was next up in our chronologically-ordered Presidential Loser Series? Because he really could not have made our jobs any easier this past week!

    Edwards grew up in North Carolina as the son of (note: this is only for people who have literally never heard him speak before) a mill worker. Edwards repeated this point ad nauseum, even declaring that his own personal dream job would be working in a mill — which, needless to say, left him no choice but to run for President.

    Edwards campaigned on a five-planked platform:

    * His father worked in a mill.

    * There are two Americas.

    * It was a textile mill.

    * You didn't know about his affair yet.

    * Well, OK, his father was technically the foreman … but seriously, a mill!

    Edwards also took the bold stance of being against Hurricane Katrina, only regretting that it hadn't hit Iowa, which would have really simplified his campaign.

    And while Barack Obama was busy securing the endorsement of Bruce Springsteen, Edwards — the poor man's Obama — got the nod from John Mellencamp, who conveniently enough doubles as the poor man's Springsteen. Mellencamp's fans, clearly moved, responded by booing Edwards off an Iowa stage.

    Edwards performed decently in the primaries, dominating among Democratic voters who thought the historic moment had arrived to elect a white man to the presidency. But then on January 30, 2008, Edwards suddenly realized he had less than a month to pick out a gift for his alleged illegitimate daughter's first birthday, prompting him to quickly suspend his campaign.

    Now with word of his affair spreading to the mainstream media, Edwards' political career seems finished. In fact, as a point of unity, the Democrats might be best served by doing away with him once and for all — possibly with a much overdue send-off at the old mill!

    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, John Edwards


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