Get ready to meet the wealthiest member of our chronologically ordered Presidential Loser Series…former one-term Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney!
Romney's record as a Republican governor of a blue state and his rock-solid hair gave him major corporate cred as a candidate. But Romney faced unfair criticism from those who disapproved of his Mormon faith, a historically off-limits topic. He countered this by giving voters a great number of legitimate things to hate him for, including:
* Amassing a vast personal fortune by closing factories and laying off workers as CEO of Bain Capital.
* Disparaging Massachusetts — whose voters gave him his only job in politics — like a red-headed stepchild.
* Incorrectly predicting same-sex marriage would result in the collapse of America as a world power.
* Proposing that America double the size of Guantanamo Bay prison, while simultaneously expressing his hope that its inmates never receive access to lawyers.
* Relentlessly pimping a family so white, it would make Norman Rockwell squint.
Romney financed his ego trip campaign with 42.3 million dollars he found lying in a sock drawer, and in return he amassed a cool 271 delegates. This was 920 short of what he needed for the nomination, but to be fair it was 271 times what Rudy Giuliani got.
Romney endured through the primary season for as long as he could, knowing that defeat would mean a return to his dreaded Massachusetts. That said, he only lasted until February 7, two days after Super Tuesday.
As of press time, Romney is serving as John McCain's attack dog, and is said to be high on the list of potential running mates for the Republican nominee. Should he be passed over, look for Bain Capital to purchase the U.S. Government, lay off its workers, and sell it at a profit to Dubai.
Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Mitt Romney