A Top 1/10 of 1 Percenter's Guide to Surviving an Obama Tax Increase

If the profound, overwhelming panic in Matt Lauer's eyes when he covers the stock market crisis is any indication, Barack Obama's plan to raise the taxes of those who make more than $250,000 a year is probably making the very very rich start to shake in their Prada loafers. And since so many people in that tax bracket are regular readers of Indecision, we offer some solace in this guide on how to survive if Obama gets elected:

* Charitable contributions are tax deductable. An Obama presidency would be a perfect opportunity to ramp up support for your favorite conservative charities, like "Billionaires Against the Poor," or "Exxon."

* Invest in blue chip commodities that maintain a steady demand over macro time intervals, such as cookies and sex.

* Move to a rural community to increase your relative wealth. The same $14 million that bought your modest TriBeCa brownstone can buy you the right to hunt, trap and murder the entire population of Pumphrey, Texas with no legal repercussions.

* Shelter your assets in fictional offshore tax havens like Treasure, Temptation and Gilligan's Islands.

* If you're a supervillain, ask yourself when the last time your goons were able to execute one simple task was. If the answer is, "Never, you fools," cut payroll by 50%.

* Try living comfortably with less by trading in your giant fucking yacht for a medium fucking yacht.

* Ask yourself: are you really so concerned that your legacy lives on into the next generation that you're willing to throw all your money away trying to make it so? If not, stop financially supporting your kids.