John McCain: Can't Debate Tonight, Must Save Child From Giant Lizard

John McCain's having a really busy couple of days. After already canceling tonight's debate twice — once to fix the U.S. economy with his bare hands and then to save a poor little kitten stuck in a tree — he's just been forced to cancel the debate again!

This time — according to my super-secret inside sources — it's because he just received news by carrier pigeon that some 12-year-old kid in DesMoines, Iowa is having trouble completing his homework assignment on dinosaurs. So, obviously, he was forced to summon a giant falcon from the heavens to carry him across the country in its talons.

So, sorry, guys. No debate tonight. But you wouldn't want Petey Brescher to get a failing grade, would you?

Update: Crisis averted!

My sources tell me that once McCain eyeballed that he was directly over the Breschers' DesMoines home, he wrenched his way from the giant falcon's grasp and freefell 33 miles through the troposphere before out-turning his suit jacket to use as a parachute.

He drifted safely into the family's chimney, lept from the fireplace and dashed into Petey's bedroom, where the grade-schooler was scratching his head, trying to make sense of the difference between a brontosaurus and an apatosaurus.

McCain explained to the boy that the two are actually the same pre-historic species, just having undergone a name-change in the past few years.

However, only moments later — while teaching the boy the proper way to hold a football — McCain's ultra-sensitive nose detected trace amounts of carbon monoxide in the air. So, he inhaled as hard as he could and sucked all of the hazardous air out of the house and blew it into the face of two masked burglars who happened to be breaking in to murder the family at that very moment.

Having no time to collect the family's appreciation, he warped space with his mind and made his way to the debate in Mississippi.

So, the debate's back on!